Saturday, November 23, 2002

Vote Goldie

This blog is fundamentally a one-man forum, an opportunity for me to share my hopes, pains, desires and views with anyone who cares to read. I have introduced my friends, told stories of my past, but strangely rarely ventured into the world of current affairs.

Is Celebrity Big Brother the only arena where you’ll hear TV’s Anne Diamond ask TV’s Les Dennis to ‘Crack one off’ live on telly? Why is Les in the house? He’s clearly troubled; nervous and agitated. Why is he going through this pain? He has a beautiful wife, a good showbiz career, and doesn’t have too much trouble paying the bills - he should be content.

Of course, there is a dark side. It wasn’t so long ago his beautiful wife, TV’s Amanda Holden publicly humiliated him by having an affair with TV’s Neil Morrissey in full gaze of the tabloid press. Somehow their marriage survived, not that it did Les any good, he just came over as a simpering fool, desperate to keep her because he knew he could get no better, she, on the other hand, flitted between men at will. It was a slight on Les’ very manhood.

And here’s where the motivation for going into the house comes in. This is a house that broadcasts live and unedited throughout the day and night. The plan is to start to develop a close friendship with Anne Diamond. One night, whilst the drink is flowing, Les will begin reveal to Diamond the inner demons of his humiliation with Holden. She will undoubtedly respond, her ex-husband publicly humiliated her by running off with a woman 20 years his junior. Les may shed a tear, Anne will comfort him with a hug, Les will begin to kiss one of her chins and slip his hand up her jumper, the one that begins to billow at the shoulder and doesn’t taper until it hits her knees. Passions within Anne will be re-ignited. They will go to the bedroom, and begin to have drunken, passionate, filthy, animal sex. Anne will bellow like a bull seal, Les will swing like he’s riding a bucking bronco, then half way through whilst Les is banging away he will turn to the camera in the ceiling, stick his thumb in the air and scream: -



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