Saturday, April 30, 2005

Children are seen and not herd

I have another niece or nephew on the way in the next few days. This will be the third, Sophie was first then Izzy. Izzy is still a bit young, but Sophie has built up an impressive list of classic quotes in the last two and a bit years…

[on the telephone] “Hello can you see my candles they are lellow”
“Hello anybody”
“See you later see you Friday” [she has no idea what a Friday is, by the way]
“I saw a firework and I cried” [pronounced ‘twide’]
“Wow… and… wow”

All of these are in regular use around our house, whereas Gareth apparently has been known to eat his Frosties spluttering “Cereal… FOR BREAKFAST!?”

Such is the joy of a developing child. Farmer Jo’s little boy has just uttered his first word, and true to his family’s farming history … it’s 'loader'

Monday, April 18, 2005

As the actress said to the Ruffles

Talking to Polly, an aspiring actress about her fledgling career…

Ruffles “So what sort of thing have you done?”
Polly “Well in the last film I did, I played a woman stuck in a man’s dreams. He falls in love with her and kills himself to be with her, but when he does it turns out she’s real and in a coma”
Ruffles “Like Romeo and Juliet?”
Polly “Yes, a modern day supernatural Romeo and Juliet, or as it’s also known a load of old rubbish”

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The come over here, take our jobs and steal our milk

According to the papers, immigration is a key issue during the elections. Personally, it’s not for me. We live within a couple of minutes of a large Asian community, but it’s the Chavs who amble around the town who scare me most.

I have noticed, however, that in Tesco you often see Asian family’s buying gallons and gallons of milk. I did wonder what uniquely Asian phenomena caused this. Big families? High milk consumption in traditional Asian cookery? A thirst for Tesco Clubcard points? Apparently the big supermarkets hold such a strangle hold over the milk producers that the price of 6 pints of milk from Tesco is cheaper than from a cash and carry therefore Asian restaurant owners prefer Tesco to their traditional Cash and Carry to buy their ingredients.

However, it seems these Asians can’t get enough milk. Pat, our neighbour who calls her six foot square shed a ‘barn’ and the road we live on (colloquially known as the A41) as ‘the lane’, asked me to cut back a rosebush that was hanging over her side of the fence.

The milkman couldn’t get down the side alley to deliver his milk. He delivers round the back because her milk sometimes goes missing from the front porch. Apparently milk stealing is a bit of a problem round Kings Road where…

And at this point she whispers and raises her eyebrows knowingly…
“A lot of Pakistani people live”.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Share price

On Friday Sara had bought some doughnuts, Emma said she didn’t want one because she was full from dinner. With a cup of tea arriving, I reached for the doughnut that was rightfully mine.

“Can I have just one bite?” said Emma, indicating the minute portion she had planned with her finger and thumb.

I passed the doughnut over to her.

“No you have some, I want a bite from the middle, that’s the best bit”

I refused; she could have the first bite or no bite at all. At this point, things could easily have escalated to a point where we were dividing up the possessions of the house. They didn’t, but my assertion that “Sharing wasn’t natural” didn’t help.

Then on Saturday there was a Friends rerun where Joey is driven mad by a date who insists on picking at his food in restaurants. Then, out with Lucy and Dan on Saturday a sharing platter was ordered as a starter.

“Oh Ruffles doesn’t share” said Emma as she insisted that I should have my own starter. She even gesticulated to the waitress, ‘A sharing platter for US THREE’ wafting an exclusion zone around herself, Dan and Lucy.

Right, firstly, sharing isn’t natural. No animal requiring sustenance actively shares their food, unless it’s with their offspring. That’s probably why sharing is such virtue amongst you humans, because in essence, it’s about your own depravation. To deliberately do this has to be virtuous.

Secondly, there’s the nature of sharing, why should I do the work on the sub-optimised sections of the doughnut, only to pass over the prime piece of the pie to someone else? Dan supported my sentiment, when he and Lucy are out, she will order a more experimental selection on the proviso that he has something she will definitely like. Therefore, if her dish isn’t to her liking, she can swap, passing her mistake over to him. And finally, there’s the dessert special, Emma will sometimes refuse a dessert because she is either full, or it is ‘naughty’. However, in order not to miss out, she will then suggest that she could have a bit of mine… if I agree to this, she will then decide what I am going to have. Sometimes providing, to the untrained ear, convincing arguments that I love dishes I positively hate.

“You love Tiramisu, you’re always saying it”

It’s not that I don’t share; I like to be as generous as possible. It’s just that the sharee must understand their role as grateful recipient and that the rules of the sharing are set by sharer. Otherwise the world will undoubtedly shift on its axis.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Spiritual rawk

Rather like an Uzbekistani Eurovision entry, whilst I don’t really understand a single word of what is being said, I am prepared to be swept up in the sentiment of the Pope’s death.

The Pope struck me as being a pretty nice old bloke, so that’s good. But on the other hand I find Catholicism quite scary. It all seems so mean. This could be irrational, I know.

What I really didn’t need was Bono to get involved. Much as he wants to be world ambassador for peace, like an octogenarian teddy-boy he’s desperate to continually remind us that he’s no square… He’s still a rock star, let us never forget. Did he really need to pay tribute by calling the Pope the ‘World’s Greatest Frontman’?

Apparently, he has also called him “The Funky Priest” as well. Reports that he said this straddled over a Marshall amp in a pair of wraparound shades remain, as ever, unconfirmed.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Rave degeneration

An email came through telling me that the Chemical Brothers gig I'm going to in May has had licensing problems. Say it quietly, but I'm quite relieved it's no longer going on 'til 3am... 1am is plenty late enough for me thank you.

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