Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Sexual hair gel

Whilst looking for a picture of Fiona Phillips for my Singaporean readership, I came across Robbs Celebs, who describes Fiona as “The big titted GMTV presenter”, a phrase he must have just lifted straight from a press release.

Robb’s site is an absolutely gargantuan resource of celebrity pictures. Whilst it claims to be full of sexy voyeuristic celeb shots, there is barely a nipple on view. You can see Kate Garraway leaning forward to pick up a cup of coffee revealing a slight shadowing in her chest region. But if you’re on beaver patrol, move away there’s nothing to see here. Robb, also labels Kate ‘big titted’ which must be a condition of GMTV employment – there’s no other way of explaining Eamonn Holmes.

Most of the pictures are scans from crumpled tabloid newspapers or low-grade screen grabs. Given the ninja like reactions needed to hit the video record button to capture a picture of Fern Britton’s knee, Robb could easily be an SAS sniper. So poor are most of the pictures, none are in the slightest bit titillating. Yet so obsessive the collection, Robb and his readership must get some sort of enjoyment out of it.

The link between the nakedness and the titillation have become separated. My pornography knowledge isn’t what it might be, but from but watching Eurotrash it seems to be an union standard for top porn stars to have boobs so big it looks like they’ve swallowed a couple of space hoppers. They have collagen implants in their mouths so they look like they’re in the world bratwurst sausage balancing championships. On Sunday Channel 4 re-ran ‘Designer Vaginas’ – a think of a title, then work out a programme type show. It seems women are even having their vaginas re-engineered to become more sexy.

I have no morale judgement on porn, as long as everyone is happy doing what they’re doing, but I must be missing something. None of this caricaturing is actually very nice to look at. Long-term readers will remember my pre Christmas entry about how teenagers don’t use gel to get a cool haircut, they just want gel in the hair regardless of the style it produces. The concept of gel and its appropriation in hair have become completely detached. It’s the same with this glamour/sex/celebrity industry, people no longer want to be turned on by women with pretty faces and big boobs, they want sexual hair gel, the biggest boobs possible regardless of how utterly revolting it looks.

I don’t know, in my day, women were women….


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