Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Evil scare mondering witchcraft in a bundle of light entertainment

I know I talk about the telly a lot, I do actually do other things, we're even off to Paris this weekend (though I must remember to record my favourite programmes) anyway, I've just got to tell you this. I happened to catch a bit of Richard and Judy today; we managed to turn over to catch Richard mid-sentence...

(Holding some gaffer tape) "... And so if I put this over the doors and windows, it will protect me?"

Seemed like an odd conversation. Then Judy interjected.

"And of course, there's this, which is not so popular in this country but is big in America"

They showed a picture of a tent. Popular, almost without doubt, in all countries.

"...An inflatable panic room"

Richard and Judy were giving the OAP and housewife guide to nuclear attack. They were being helped out by a couple of experts, one of whom ended the item holding up his 'How to survive biological warfare" book.

The tubby balding bloke told us that biological, and chemical particles are heavier than air. Richard made sure the point he was trying to make was quite clear.

"So, if there's a nuclear attack, we should move upstairs?"

By this point I was screaming at the TV, "Madeley, I suggest YOU move upstairs, because when Armageddon comes, I'm going to get him my car, find you, and batter you over the head with a hammer."

The second expert advised that we should prepare for "Imminent attack". Richard again did one of those patronising clarifications.

"So, your sources suggest there is an attack imminent"
"The government have said that an attack could come at any time."

There is a vast difference between an attack that is imminent, and an attack that could come at any time. Not that Richard and Judy were prepared to make that clear, they were all moving upstairs in preparation for nuclear assault.

Having roundly scared the infirm and sensitive shitless, Judy gave a simpering smile and introduced a women from Pet Rescue.

Thinking about it, what use is an inflatable panic room? One assumes a panic room is for the purpose of seeking safe refuge in your house in the event of attack. If your house is anything like mine it'll be...

"Quick inflate the panic room"
"Where's the foot pump?"
"It's in the cupboard under the stairs"
"Here it is, why's it in the wash basket"
"You must have put it there"
"Oh right, it's obviously me, there's no chance of YOU doing it"
"Start pumping"
"I'm going as fast as I can, my leg aches"
"It's no good, quick upstairs, it's safer up there"
"OK, oh, we don't appear to have an upstairs anymore"
"And look, my hand's rotting off"


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