Sunday, July 13, 2003

Hot in herre

We went to the Thames Valley Youth Games to see Emma’s class play tag rugby as representatives of their district on Saturday. It was a major event with 3,000 kids playing about 15 different sports, including Boccia, which is likely to be some kind of hybrid sport using moulded plastic bats that were featured on Blue Peter, but we never found out.

The constant theme of people who talked to me surrounded why I’d been ‘dragged’ there. Giving all those tawdry and tired ‘under the thumb’ jokes of “Did she give you the choice of this or DIY?” or “You just take orders you don’t ask questions”.

This is all very difficult when you actually wanted to be there. There are worse things to do on a Saturday than sit in the sun on Eton’s playing fields watching sport.

The team did well winning two with displays of fast free flowing passing, which is something I hadn’t expected of either the game or 10 year old kids. Unfortunately they lost the crucial third match to a team who were better than everyone else by some margin (and subsequently according to the blinkered parents – a load of cheats).

The sun blazed down, which had its drawbacks as we got burnt to a crisp. Emma was so busy ensuring the kids had slapped on the factor ten she neglected to take her own advice. I also got burnt but I think my Barcelona bronzing helped set off the redness a little.

Another fine mess

Penny’s birthday couldn’t have had a better setting, or better weather. Out on the balcony of Doggets Badge and Coat overlooking Blackfriars Bridge we enjoyed the sun setting on The City as we drank Pimms and £4 glasses of Hoegaarden.

We DJ’ed, Simon played some smooth deep house to soundtrack the setting sun, and then I came on at the point when people probably wanted to dance and generally cocked things right up. In mitigation the volume control on the French windows didn’t help. With the area being residential, when the doors were closed the volume went up, with people constantly traversing from the bar to the balcony via the doors this made it practically impossible to cue records up. But it wasn’t just that, I was just a little too drunk. At one stage I managed to take a record off that was still playing – something I’ve only ever done when DJ-ing in public, never, ever at home. My worst home DJ-ing moment was when, 45 minutes into a recorded mix, Peanut the cat decided that records were interesting and jumped up to stop it turning. Great fun for cats.

I have learnt to pack a small number of party standbys for times like this and it wasn’t long before my patented Neptunes Production Half Hour had people swaying a little. Many thanks to Beyonce, Nelly, Britney, Justin and, of course N*E*R*D, for getting me out of a hole.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Emma's crazy timetable

It’s the end of the school term next week and Emma is packing up her kids ready for the big school. Whilst the kids wind down, Emma’s timetable has cranked up. On Monday she attend a meeting to discuss a parent who last week accused her of being unprofessional because Emma told her class “She just wanted to get in her car and go home”. Given that she said this 10 months ago I'm sure you'll agree it was clearly a matter of some urgency. It, of course, had nothing to do with the fact the woman's little girl recently had a tantrum in front of all the parents after a school trip. This was Emma's fault you see, she's unprofessional.

The women has been backtracking ever since as the issue has been escalated up to the Governers. She stubbornly stands by her accusation of unprofessionalism, but claims the view is in no way a reflection on Emma's teaching ability. The term 'UH?!' springs to mind. She also said that “Hindsight is something that none of us possess” – which is fine, except we all have hindsight, just no foresight. Clearly a women to be listened to.

That safely negotiated, and with the Governers fully behind her, Tuesday and Wednesday was the school play, a harrowing depiction of life in World War 2. I went with Nobby, Vicki, Katie and Gareth on Tuesday. Our appearance caused a furour, they were even asking for my autograph. Then things turned nasty as the kids wanted to know, rather forcefully, why I hadn’t been to their Peter Pan play, and why I wouldn't be going to the school disco.

Thursday was Area Sports, a kind of Olympics for all the local schools. It’s been going for years, I remember when I was at primary school kids who were picked for Area Sports were Da Bomb.

Saturday is a Tag Rugby tournament in Eton, somehow I’ve been press ganged into going to that (well, I'm not going to the school disco see). I’m hoping for a sunny day in a field with a pile of newspapers and Harry Potter.

Next week is the school disco that I'm not going to. Emma's dreading it because she’s just done The Puberty Video, described in our house as Emma's sex video. Now they’re all sex mad, in fact a week or so ago packing up after sports day was delayed because one of the boys claimed to be having "Women trouble".

No wonder teachers get six weeks off for the summer.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Donkman and the phantom

Gareth and his mates have a relationship based on a tight cycle of piss take and mild violence. Whilst Tim slept off his sleepless night in Barcelona airport on Sunday, Gareth poured water over his crotch and plucked his leg hair. At one point in the weekend I watched Tim and Gareth take turns to kick each other. As with all banal repetition, it’s very funny.

Donkman is part of the gang, the one your parents want you to be, he’s polite, bright, successful and friendly. He sent his girlfriend flowers whilst he was away “just because”, and he took time from the drinking onslaught to pick a present for her. He’s often a target for the abuse, partly because he takes it so well but also because he’s so gullible, the story of Donkman and the Phantom may illustrate this.

Donkman worked on the fish counter in Waitrose whilst he was at school. One day the phone rang, he answered and at the other end someone was someone breathing heavily and then the line went dead. Then again, ring, ring, heavy breathing, and line went dead. Over and over again.

His intuition was right; he accused Gareth and Tim but they denied it and to put him off the scent set up a ruse whereby Gareth would talk to Donkman whilst Tim nicked off to the phone. Then vice versa. On this basis Donkman wrote them off his list of suspects.

The calls continued, for weeks, months, and years, the caller was nicknamed The Phantom. Donkman would shout down the phone “I’ll get you Phantom, I’ll find out who you are”.

On one occasion, the Phantom called and Donkman could hear Tim in the background talking. Instantly he rushed over to where Tim was working, but rather than accuse him again, he asked him who had been on the nearby phone, Tim said he hadn’t seen, and Donkman went off on another wild goose chase.

Donkman inexplicably accused a girl in his German class, who also worked at Waitrose. As his desperation set in, the accusation crossed the line into bullying. It got out of hand and he had to explain to the teachers the reason for his actions.

Eventually two and a half years later, over a few lagers on a lads holiday in Magaluf, Tim and Gareth came clean. They were the Phantom who for years had haunted his Fish Counter with their heavy breathing.

The only thing that hadn’t been cleared up was why Donkman exacted so much of his venom on the girl. Walking from the cable car in Barca he explained.

“She was the only person who wasn’t Gareth and Tim with the same shift pattern as me.”

Monday, July 07, 2003

What goes on tour, stays on tour

Due to the Law of the Stag, I’m mandated to not to tell you what on at Gareth’s stag weekend in Barcelona, so here are a few of the things that didn’t happen.

  • Nobody fell asleep in a porn cinema within three hours of arriving and got lost for six hours trying to find the hotel.
  • The stag didn’t at any point have to drink a pint with nine shots in it
  • Nobody dipped their willy in someone else’s pint whilst they were in the toilet, then got mixed up and drunk it himself
  • Nobody gave the stag a wedgie which tore his thick cotton boxer shorts clean off
  • No one fell into a water hazard on a roof top crazy golf course in front of six security guards
  • Nobody was ceremoniously dipped into the same roof top crazy golf course water hazard two days later.
  • This also wasn’t in front of six security guards
  • Nobody went to a strip bar, paid £14 to get it, £10 for a beer, then negotiated with a stripper to do a dance for £85, thanking her for giving them a discount by buying her a drink for £20
  • Not one of that party of four claimed it was his birthday and subsequently enjoyed a majority of the dance
  • Nobody got the stag to drink ten shots in a row, an endeavour illegal in this country
  • Nobody ‘thanked’ the best man Tim by buying him five shots, singing the theme song Tim’ll Fix It, whilst he drank them.
  • Nobody dreamt up that the best man should have a “Best Man’s Favourite” which meant he should drink three shots of Absinthe
  • Nobody who was over six foot three with the bulk of a body builder rode a children’s ride whilst others bought food from a supermarket
  • Nobody bought the stag a vile looking vodka and baileys which curdled and separated
  • At no point after he finished it, did we get a round of vodka and baileys for everyone because it was so nice
  • Nobody called out to a German who had just hired the services of a prostitute on Las Ramblas “She’ll make you pay for it you know, she doesn’t love you”
  • Nobody, being constantly propositioned by prostitutes whilst everyone walked back to the hotel shouted “Prossies make me laugh!”
  • Nobody threw themselves off the Marina into the sea at six in the morning as the result of a bet, despite having seen big fish and jelly fish earlier in the weekend
  • Nobody built a quasi religion around “The Curb of Apparent Doom”
  • Nobody fell over the “Incline of semi-embarrassment”
  • Nobody engaged in conversation with a German with man breasts who asked “Are you from the Techno Conference”, to which was replied “No but you are”
  • Nobody accidentally bought forty-two drinks for six people
  • Nobody bullied an Irish band to play for twenty minutes more than they were booked by continuously chanting “One more tune”, then, when they eventually packed up, booed them off
  • Nobody tried to proposition a prostitute with free Tequila shot vouchers from a bar
  • Nobody when asked whether they were coming to Guadi’s unfinished cathedral, said “Tell them I’ll come when it’s finished”
  • Nobody, in a conversation about ‘having your brown wings’, claimed to have his white wings, explaining to the blank faces it was “Sleeping with a girl with a uterus infection”
  • No one, not even Banno, sent a text message to his wife Clare saying “We think International Team Banno are the business”
  • She didn’t reply with a message saying “Great. We’re watching a video tonight, love you C.”
  • The Stag didn’t at any point jump to his feet offering the bemused waiter high tens every time he brought out another bowel of tapas shouting “Yaaah TAPAS!”
  • Nobody told someone we were having an non-existent olive eating competition and the record was fifteen, then forced that person, who hates olives with a sickness, to break the record.
  • Nobody, not even the same person as above, asked what happened to the name game we were playing in a restaurant when our food was served. Despite the game having died on its arse, at no point were they told it was their go. At no point did he without blinking start to drink whilst thinking up his name. At no point was he told that every subsequent name he came up with had ‘been done before’. At no point did he continue to struggle for at least ten to fifteen minutes.
  • The stag didn’t have a twenty minute rage about how you couldn’t “catch a hotel in this country”, when he meant a taxi.
  • Nobody, whilst lost at five in the morning accosted a couple of Belgian girls with a map waving his arms shouting “Parlez vous Francais”
  • Nobody downgraded the word C**t to a “category b swearword”
  • This conversation didn’t happen: -
  • “What time are we going out? About 11.30?”
  • “Fuck off you c**t, 11.30!? Quarter past”
  • Nobody fell asleep in the departure lounge toilets whilst the plane was boarding
  • Nobody woke up surrounded by sick on his bed, and then deny it was his.
  • Nobody said that he was disappointed that the last night ended a bit early, at 5.30 in the morning
  • Nobody stole every towel apart from a flannel from someone’s room whilst he showered, he didn’t then come out and walk around the corridors trying to find it
  • Nobody told an American that he hated the Swiss because they were “hoarding Hitler’s Gold”
  • Nobody tried to wave away a persistent flower seller by raising his arms and saying “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for”
  • Nobody knows how the long stay car park works at Gatwick Airport

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

She's just Vicki on the blog

Nobby can’t work the new Blogger interface, Simon’s too busy adventuring, Michelle Ineffable is heavily ensconced in writing her dissertation, and Jo Who’s Quintessentially Steppenwolf is still spinning out from Glasters.

I need blogs fill the white spaces in my day, but there’s a dearth of posts on my regular blog tour. Why oh why do these people insist on having lives?

I thought I was going to have to rely on Nobby accidentally stumbling across the ‘publish’ button from time to time. His confusion around new Blogger is rather like the old man with his video camera who manages to get the stop/start button the wrong way round and films four hours of grass, then just as he lifts the camera to focus in on something interesting, turns it off.

My void has been filled with the launch of Vicki Dobscrub’s pregnancy blog. I feel strangely paternal towards Vicki anyway, so it’s reassuring that I can keep myself abreast how things are progressing. This is despite the fact I’m almost certain Nobby won’t let me within six square miles of the baby once it is born.

I’m also delighted to report that Vicki can write, and has captured with some aplomb what it’s like taking Nobby to a public place, things can only get better.


Lesleywatch 2003 - unfathomably a true story

Emma’s Mum, Lesley, and her dad went on holiday to France last week. Whilst they were there France enjoyed thunderstorms and lightening. Lesley phoned Sara and Gareth back home to ask them to go up to her house and check the computer hadn’t set fire.

Gareth, rubbing Aftersun onto his burnt skin and drinking a litre of iced water as Britain enjoyed its dry sunny spell, asked why.

“Well” said Lesley “We’ve had terrible thunderstorms (in France) and I’m worried that the house (in Britain) may get struck by lightening.”

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

A Sunday blissed

Despite getting back from Melissa’s wedding at 1.30am, we were up at 8.00 to hold a dog. Dark Charlie, who I used to work with at the little publishing company in Oxford, was running the Thame 10KM with his mate Andrew. His dog, Wire, needed holding.

Once we were out of bed and out of the door it was nice to be in the sun. We met up with Charlie with surprising ease. Wire was slightly over excited, except when Charlie walked off, when he would whimper forlornly. The race kicked off and we headed for the finish line.

Simon, home for the weekend to ride in a helicopter, joined us as the runners started coming in, then my mum arrived to promote her own 10K race in Tetsworth, with dad, Kirsty and Sophie in tow.

Sophie enjoyed playing with Wire, as fifty-one week old babies do, by trying to grab his ears or better still, his tongue. After we finished, mum, dad, Kirsty and Sophie went home and, with it still too early for the pub, we went to the Coffee shop in town to sit in their sunny courtyard, ahem, alleyway, drinking coffee. Katie arrived back from Central America, well, not right then, just that was her last known whereabouts and joined us.

After a chat, sun, and coffee, Charlie, Wire and Andrew made for home, me, Emma, Simon, and Katie went to the pub for more sun, and chat, and drink. Having safely negotiated this, we went back to mum and dad’s for a bar-b-que where, for variation, we sat in the shade until the early evening.

Everyday should be like that.

Monday, June 30, 2003

Wedded bliss

It all started one night about five years ago, Melissa and her stable long term boyfriend were safely ensconced in their new home. The road was a straight one, the weather was clear; they would build careers, get married, and have babies. Upon watching a programme about the lives of a group of thirty somethings, the boyfriend got the heebie-jeebies and ended the relationship on the spot.

Storm clouds gathered, the road narrowed and Melissa began to climb towards a meandering mountain pass where the drops were stomach turning and the cliff faces sheer. This took her on an adventure which included a year shaking out the cobwebs partying, a year travelling around Australia, a year having itchy feet and learning to teach English as a foreign language, and eighteen months teaching in Ecuador.

There were other complications along the way, but out of the fug came Carlos, and on Saturday they were married. The fat free wedding was arranged in six weeks with no clingers on, no complicated political family table plans, just a small band of thirty family and friends touring the Kent coastline from registry office to reception to evening party. The evening saw Carlos salsaring with the ladies, and all the other men doing the traditional English step to the side dance (with occasional air guitar for variation).

The day had a sense of lilting clarity that you rarely get with the hullabaloo of a big wedding. I hope it’s the theme of the marriage, and that the oncoming niggles, including Carlos’ visa application is as easy and straight forward for as the day itself.

During the break between the reception in Sandwich and the party, we went for a walk and saw a sign for the Sandwich Centre for Retired People. Now, was that the where they can get sandwiches, or was it the location?

Thursday, June 26, 2003

British comedy saves the day

In Episode 2 of Star Wars – Attack of the Clones we learn the formidable Stormtrooper army is made up of clones recreated from the perfect genes of Jango Fett. Once constructed, the army goes on to become the most powerful force in the entire universe.

In Episode 6 - Return of the Jedi, Han, Laya et al are tasked with capturing a heavily guarded power generator on the planet Endor. The guards, the formidable cloned Stormtroopers are caught out by tricks which include; an Ewok stealing a speederbike and flying off upside down, to which all but one of the guards sets off on foot in pursuit shouting “GET HIM!”, the remaining guard is caught out by Han who runs up, taps him on one shoulder before around the other.

Schoolboy error.

So flustered is the Stormtrooper he runs straight into a bank of cutthroat rebels.

These are rather rudimentary errors by the Stormtroopers, can this really be the same spawn of Jango Fett? what happened at the cloning factory that caused a whole batch of clones fall foul to such playground japes. Can it really be that somewhere in the lab somebody switched the genes of a Jango with the genes of someone capable of falling for this kind of trick.

Step up Paul and Barry Chuckle. These giants of comedy have made a career from doing this kind of thing to each other. I can only think that the Empire was planning a giant celebration party once the rebel alliance is crushed, wanting the most perfect of entertainment for the most perfect of clone army’s, not wanting to risk the domination of the universe being dampened by poor entertainment from, say, Jim Davidson, they turned to create the perfect comedy duo. Having scoured the universe with probe droids they kidnapped the Brothers to be taken back to be cloned. Credence is given to this argument, when watching Chuckle Brothers, every show is identical, they are clearly just re-runs with the Brothers on a different blue screen.

Somewhere along the line the genes were switched and a massive batch of clones were recreated in the image of the Chuckle Brothers. Dressed in their white suits that could tell of the mistake until after the battle of Endor.

Let their names be added to the roster of heroes: - Skywalker, Solo, Calarisian, and now Chuckle.

Monday, June 23, 2003

The longest wait

Christmas is an exciting time when you’re a child, you wait and wait, preying that the day will come but the more you yearn the slower time passes. That day promises presents and food and excitement, it promises that you will be furnished with things beyond your wildest dreams.

When you buy a car, you step through the looking glass into a parallel universe where Christmas day becomes Car service day.

A car service is an excruciating time when you’re an adult, you wait and wait, preying that the phone will ring but the more you yearn the slower time passes. That day promises torture and torment and vast expenditure, it promises that you will debagged of all you financial wealth in a slow and systematic way.

When you have a service you drive your car to the garage and everything will be fine in exactly the same way it has been for ages; you’re getting from A to B without too much fuss or hassle. But despite this you know that you’re about to find out you’re driving a death trap. At least if you have to take it in with the bonnet on fire, you are already preparing for the worst.

So you hand your car in and hand the keys over, the clock has started at usually around £100. This is for your 400-point check, checks that usually include counting the number of front windscreens.

You don’t watch the patient go through its operation, you walk away from the garage. But don’t look back because you will see a greasy monkey jumping into your car, and driving it into the garage on two wheels in reverse without taking the handbrake off.

And then the agony begins. The call they promised in an hour doesn’t come. After two hours you call in and they seem incredulous that you didn’t find out through telepathy that they’ve found a small problem, and they’re waiting for a quote for a part. They’ll call as soon as they get the price

You ring off and pace the floor for the next three hours and call in again. The part cost £2.50, you tell them to fit it, and they tell you they already have. Great, you’ll pick the car up in ten minutes.

“But we’ve found another problem, your mywifeneedsanewtumbledrier is down to 6.33042 on the q axis, 0.443 on the middle row”
“Is that serious?”
“If it goes it will kill you, then hunt down your family and torture and murder them, it will delete you identity and you will be erased from history for the rest of time”
“Blimey”
“On the other hand it might be fine”
“No you’d better do it”
“If you do it now, it won’t need doing again for another million miles”
“Right”
“Or your next service, whichever comes first”
“How much will it be”
“Well Dixons are doing them for £250”
“Dixons?
“Er, yes, Dixons, the car part supplier, for another £100 they’ll throw in a fridge, er, complete set of tyres”
“Are my tyres dangerous?”
“If they go they will kill you, then hunt down your fam…”
“OK, do them too, what’s the total cost likely to be”

At this point he mumbles a lot of numbers, the only audible ones are under £5.

“£750”
“Oh Christ”
“Your spark plugs may be OK, I’ll knock those off”
“(grasping for air) Great, thanks, how much will it be”
“£748”
“(losing consciousness) OK, just do it, do it all, let’s get it over and done with”
“We’ve done it already, you can come and pick it up whenever you’re ready”
“OK, I’ll be over as soon as I can sell the cats”

And you pick the car up and drive it off and it’s no different to how it was when you drove in. Don’t believe me? my service included £17 to tell me that my exhaust was a bit noisy.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

Shock news: Beckham not dead

It is hard to believe but David Beckham did just change jobs last week. News at Ten ran what was, to all intent and purpose, an obituary, but he is almost certainly, alive.

The obituary writers had better not pack their pens just yet because the assassination of Beckham begins here. Not least in Saturday’s Daily Mail, I confess we did have it in the house, and yes, I did read it. The story ‘Goldenballs Vs Goldenboots’ was a systematic dismantling of Beckham in a comparative assessment of the golden boy of English rugby Johnny Wilkinson, I quote: -

“One is arguably the greatest English rugby player of all time and pays £8.50 for his haircut. The other’s a multi millionaire who captains a lacklustre England side and wears an Alice band. How do they compare?”
It doesn’t sound like it’ll be a balanced assessment does it? The premise upon which the story is built is pretty sinister. We learn that Wilkinson has A levels and achieved a place at Durham University whilst Beckham has no qualifications and reportedly couldn’t spell the word ‘Professional’ or ‘Footballer’. Also, Wilkinson’s dad is a financial advisor, and that his mum still washes his kit. Beckham’s dad is a Gas Engineer, his mum a hairdresser. Wilkinson lives in a modest house, Beckham is lives in a mansion, Beckham drives ‘anything flash’, Wilkinson a Mercedes.

Most telling is their ‘philosophy’. Wikinson’s is a quote, “You’ve got to go out and chase your dreams. You have all your life afterwards to think about your reputation.” Sniff, that’s beautiful.

Now deadlines must have been tight, because it seems journalist Paul Harris was unable to unearth a single quote from Beckham about his dedication to his game, or his family – including how he rages a one man war against an entire culture of laddism, nothing about his ambitions and dreams, about playing for Manchester United and captaining England. Instead Harris is left to summarise Beckham’s philosophy without the benefit of a quote, his summary? Beckham’s Philosophy is “I fink (sic) therefore I am.”

In short Wilkinson is middle class and therefore good, and Beckham is working class and therefore crass and gauche. The more paranoid amongst us could take this further, could the Mail be saying that the unconventional, non-educational, Beckham route to success is bad, and that the only good success is the classic middle class route? Could they be giving out a message to talented non-academic kids, or kids from working class backgrounds that regardless of what success they achieve it will never be as good as their more fortunate counterparts?

Sadly they had to edit out the section on “Sport Played” so let me recreate it here for you now: -

Beckham: Football, interwoven into fabric of global society, crossing every continent, every religion, every sex, race, colour and creed. A sport that can dictate political success or failure, economic stability or crisis, war and peace. A sport capable of dictating the fortunes and progression of society and mankind itself.

Wilkinson: Rugby, a sport of significance amongst certain socio-economic groups in Britain and some, though not all, old commonwealth countries.

If you don’t believe me, look at the world’s obsession with the World Cup (we don’t even need to tag on which world cup we’re talking about), and compare that to this autumn’s rugby World Cup.

What do you mean you didn’t know there was a rugby world cup this autumn?

Thursday, June 19, 2003

The shocking truth

“Nothing shocks me”, said I, during a discussion about just how outrageous hen and stag dos can be. And it’s true, I’ve seen people taking drugs, drink until they’re unconscious and take their eyes out at the dinner table, but when it comes down to it, it’s never effected me. Partly because I haven’t partaken, and because as a spectator I’ve survived these escapades wholly intact, I’ve never found this sort of thing shocking.

So unshakeable me buys Mixmag this month and turns to the story about the couple from Bolton hooked on the legal drug GHB. Too much GHB sends you into a deep psychotic madness, this couple having become reliant on the drug entered into what is known as a stupidité au deux – a stupidity of two – a shared hallucinogenic experience. Now pay attention, this bit’s complicated. The woman started to believe that her body was missing, stolen by a witch and a clown. The man, having ‘seen’ the witch and the clown running around upstairs began to panic that his girlfriend’s body had been stolen. Paramedics were called, apparently they asked whether the two were on drugs, they left shortly after having not reached a conclusion either way. The bloke then went to see his kids leaving the woman alone. She panicked that a witch had stolen her body aided and abetted by a clown, and started to assume that her body was trapped, what for it, inside her body.

So her miniature body was trapped inside her normal body that wasn’t her body. The only answer was to get it out, and this she did by pulling out 13 teeth with a set of pliers. She nearly died from blood poisoning, he was up in court on a charge of torture, but having put these troubles behind them are now living happily together (apparently only taking a bit of wiz now and then, so that’s OK).

This story was supported by the story of the man who worked in a gym equipment factory. One night he decided to masturbate by pulling his willy on the running machine belt. Unfortunately his scrotum got caught and tore. That short sentence alone sends me into apoplexy. Embarrassed by his accident, his solution was to staple his scrotum back together again. It was only when it reached the size of a grapefruit did he think to go to the doctors to get it checked out.

These are the things that shock me.

My final true story is of a bloke decided to commit suicide. His rig involved a guillotine above his bed made from metal sheet fashioned into a blade and a paving slab. He took enough sleeping pills to ensure that he would lie down and stay in the same position whilst his decapitating machine did its business. He set a timer that would turn on an electric knife, which would begin to cut away at the rope that held up the blade. The thoughtful suicidee realised that once the knife went through the rope, it would continue going, potentially fusing, burning out or damaging the floor. So he shortened the cable of the knife so that when it went through the rope and onto the floor it would automatically pull the cable from the wall and turn off. Added to this, in order that his dad didn’t disturb him he set all this up with the door wedged closed. The blade was attached by a piece of rope to the wedge. When it dropped, the wedge was pulled away allowing his dad easy access to come in and clean up.

Punchline number 1: - The jury’s verdict: Genius

Punchline number 2: - If only he’d been able to make a career as world Mousetrap champion.

Monday, June 16, 2003

American dream

I’m heavily tuned into the sentiment of Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine. It’s not exactly your average Romcom Saturday night in with a tub of Haagen Daz but it’s well worth a couple of hours of your life.

Marylyn Manson and Trey Parker were both implicated in the Columbine massacre because they played loud rock music and made adult cartoons. They were also most informed in their assessment of the situation. Manson describes America as a country built on fear and consumption. Where success and consumption are one and the same. Be perfect, drink Pepsi like Brittany, eat McDonalds, like N’Sync. Ate too much Pepsi and McDonalds? You’ll get fat and nobody likes fat people, so take these pills, or buy this exercise regime. If you become fat and unpopular you won’t get a job and there’s nobody to look after you. And where do failures go? To the ghetto, an evil lawless world like the one portrayed on TV every night, like the Bronx or South Central i.e. where black people live. Parker wisely assesses that America is so prescriptive in its approach to success that kids could easily believe that their failures at school are permanently scarring. It’s one messed up country.

America is so fearful that its empire will fall apart that it’s taking its paranoia onto the world stage. Fear of Iran? Fund Iraq. Fear of Iraq? Fund Iran. Fear of Russia? Fund Afghanistan. Fear of Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan? Threaten to tear them to pieces. Suddenly they’re threatening to kill you if you do, and kill you if you don’t. So you do, right into the World Trade Center, hell why not, there’s nothing to lose.

Stoking the flames is, of course, George Bush announcing that the Justice Department had announced “a blanket alert of a general nature”. Like that statement informs you of nothing more than you should be scared of something or other. Still, there’s always an upside; sales of gas masks, duct tape and bottled water rose again. Is it any wonder that with this constant picking away at your fear, crime falls but the fear of crime rises?

At the pointy end a couple of kids in Columbine began to believe they were already failures by the age of 16. Having cashed their chips in so painfully early, with their bleak destiny laid out in front of them I guess it didn’t really matter what they did next, so they went and got famous.

And the blame? Well that was placed firmly at the feet of ‘mixed ethnicity’ (said Charlton Heston) which is no greater than in Canada, the break up of the family unit, which is no greater than the UK, and the old favourite, rock music promoting death and destruction, which is no greater than in Germany.

What was left was fear. Without healthcare or welfare, failure leaves you working in the Orc mines eating mud for a living. A welfare system is the one thing that all the above countries have that America doesn’t. It relieves the tension by giving people an alternative and a second chance. People are too damn mean to look after others without supervision, so freedom is a dangerous game, is pure freedom not anarchy? Is America not the land of the free? Do not Mr Heston and his chums at the National Rifle Association not exercise their free rights by having guns that can kill people?

Of course wherever America goes we follow, blindly down the same path. Richard and Judy testing the latest in inflatable panic rooms telling us that terrorist attacks are imminent (ignoring the fact that this country has lived with imminent terrorist attacks for thirty years), even this morning Fiona Phillips telling us the ‘terrifying’ side effects of hay fever tablets. It all drives another wedge into your calm and your sanity. Before you know it you’re on the same roller coaster.

I, for one, am not convinced about it.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Filler

I wasn’t going to bother with the Ruffles Big Brother table this week. After all things are a little flat in there, but for want of something better to write, here it is: -

1. (1) Gos – Holding onto top spot by default
2. (3) Cameron – Anyone who says ‘Fiddle’ when he messes things up deserves to stay
3. (2) Nush – Becoming a touch sour faced
4. (6) Tania – Is what she is
5. (7) Scott – Is what he is
6. (11) Ray – seems an OK kind of person
7. (5) Steph – wouldn’t irritate me at a party, wouldn’t like to spend more than a day with her though.
8. (4) Jon – Yeah yeah, uber geek, blah blah whatever
9. (8) Federico - Split between keeping him in to and watching him stir things up
10. (10) Sissy – Petulant urchin thug girl – burn burn burn

Sea Ka-YAK-ing, jeepers, monk and other stories

The formula of a good stag weekend is simple, it sucks you in, something happens, it spits you out. The bit in the middle is impossible to predict. Talk of drinking games, nudity and shaving rarely materialise. For Russ’ I didn’t expect to spend Saturday night having a quiet drink discussing Marcus’ childhood in the paramilitary wing of the Cub Scouts, for example.

The weekend was in jeopardy almost before it started. Fog meant Russ and his two pals couldn’t land at Jersey airport. The best man’s flight from Manchester was cancelled, so was ours although we heroically got up at 4am on Saturday to fly over.

These shenanigans had a profound effect on proceedings. No best man, and for Russ, five and a half hours spent shuttling between Gatwick and Jersey drinking neat vodka. When they eventually landed at 10.30 they celebrated with gusto, helped by the ominous welcoming party of Jerseymen Mike, Marcus and above all JC.

We arrived on Saturday morning and Russ’ hotel room was carnage. He couldn’t get out of bed, complaining his eyes weren’t working. Surfacing eventually, the first activity of the day was sea kayaking. The sky was blue, the sun was hot, the sea was calm. We paddled gently around the coves and caves making weak jokes about the shags and splashing each other.

Then Russ drifted out to sea and began retching over the side of his kayak. We came to a beach and he disappeared, returning to lie comatose on the pebbles. Eventually he gave up the ghost completely and fell in. He was hauled back into his kayak and towed home.

He slept through lunch, but still declined the clay pigeon shooting so he could sleep some more in Marcus’ fiercely hot Land Rover. We had no best man, and now, no stag, Mike’s mates were filling in the gaps left by the absentees making it a re-run of Mike’s own Stag do nearly two years ago. Afterwards, at the pub, Russ had a pint of water, declining ice and lemon because his stomach couldn’t handle it. He had a pork scratching which fuelled the cracking of a joke before plummeting again and racing to the toilet to drain whatever moisture was left in his body.

General stag brouhaha was the plan for Saturday ‘though the fragile Russ wanted to go to the pub for a quiet chat. He was coaxed into the curry house where he slumped on the table raising his head only to berate Mike for ordering a Korma, and announcing that there were only two things he loved – curry and beer – before correcting himself and adding “Sam”. That’s what lead to the quiet portside bar for a few drinks.

Russ did manage a pint which perked him up (everyone said he should have done it at 11am), we ended up in a club until 2am which gave the night an air of respectability. On Sunday, with clear heads, we went to the beach and got burnt to a cinder. At 5.30pm we boarded the plane home that took us away from a weekend that was as normal as it was surreal.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Head music

Buying a new Radiohead album is rather like meeting the band on the side of a field. They hand over the new record and start walking across to the other side. On the other side of the field is their next album. You follow for a while, but then you think you can get to the other side on your own. Having plotted your own course when you get to the other side you wait for the next record to be handed over, but the band are on a different corner entirely. It’s only at that point you realise that’s where you’re supposed to be. Each new album is a readjustment of your musical belief system, Indie pop, to stadium rock to DJ Shadow, to Warp Records to well, have no idea what side of the field we’re on at the moment, but I like it.

I have great affinity to Radiohead, for one, they’re from Oxford so we have the greatest brains, music and football team in the world. There was a time when it wasn’t wholly unusual to see Thom Yorke slouching around the city in enormous neon orange combat trousers, or Johnny Greenwood looking like a student, unless of course, it was a student who looked like Johnny Greenwood, who could tell? We also saw them the week they released Creep at Kingston University. They were very noisy, I wasn’t sure whether Greenwood could actually play, Yorke, the same sniffy urchin he is today, hung to the ceiling like a chimpanzee. In a ropey case of six degrees of separation, Choggaz was in a band who supported a band whose drummer was Radiohead’s soundman in the early days. Via a range of festivals, medium sized venues, through to stadiums we also saw them playing in front a majestic backdrop of the dreaming spires mottled by teaming rain in South Parks, Oxford. All that and, of course, they’re innovative and popular. What nirvana.

I am, however, currently loving King of the Boots, a triple CD-ROM of bootlegs I bought from Rough Trade last year, but hadn’t trawled through properly until very recently. Currently soundtracking my early summer are two fantastic Freelance Hellraiser mixes which cuts up D12, Depeche Mode, Brittany Spears, The Beastie Boys, Christina Aguilera, The Strokes and Shirley Bassey and some absolutely bitchin’ party hip hop.

Monday, June 09, 2003

Does your girlfriend smoke? Well she was yesterday

Andrew's best mate is Jez. Jez is as close as anyone I know to being a playboy; he drives a Porsche (which matches Andrew's), he drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney, charms ladies, and is constantly telling crap jokes and stories of debauched adventures.

'Why are men like tights? They either run, cling, or don't fit round the crotch'

He lost an eye a few years ago falling on a bottle, this is regularly used to his advantage as without a second thought he pops out his glass one to show people, or drop to it in their drink. On Friday he went to get it out, to which Australia Jo berated 'No Jeremy, these people don't know you well enough yet?. He was once heard talking to a girl who had spurned him for another bloke asking, 'What's he got that I haven't? How many eyes has he got?'

David Beckham retires from football and becomes a manager, on his first day he stands in front of the players and gives his first speech. 'Well their small, round and minty, and come in a plastic box I like them, my wife likes them and my son likes them.? And then sits down. The coach walked over to him and whispers 'David, you're supposed to be talking about Tactics.'

He recently went on a bender after running the Paris marathon; the alcohol numbed the pain of the race for a number of hours keeping the muscles loose enough to frequent many of Paris' finest bars. In the early hours of the morning lost deep in the city he and a friend made for their hotel. As the cold night deepened and the effects of the alcohol released its grip his muscles tightened and cramps set in. They spent hours walking like a couple of drunk, English cripples trying to find their hotel. On the flight home he managed to hold the entire plane up because he couldn't get his legs to walk him down the steps. The steward was advising one step at a time, to which he'd reply 'I fucking can't!'

A bloke from Lancashire wants to take his mate out on the town for his birthday, but he's only got £10 to spend. On the night he says to his friend (adopt thick northern accent) 'Dave I've only got '10 to spend, but I've found a place which does a pie, as much drink as you want, naked dancing girls, and the finest cigars for a fiver a head, what do you think?' to which Dave replies 'One question, what kind of pie?'

On Friday we went to the Mole and Chicken, which is where we always go when everyone is home. Afterwards, as always we went back to Andrew's parents. Andrew's mum has the demure fragrance of Mary Archer, a quintessentially English lady, and one of the nicest, and most tolerant women you could hope to meet.

Jo got the hiccups and was using every old wives tale to try and cure them. Jez walked in and told Jo she needed a fright. He turned to Andrew's mum, who he has in the past urinated on whilst she slept, and said 'Mary* get naked.' During the evening he also described her as the biggest e dealer in the village and accused her of growing heroin in the back garden.

Last summer mother told me to go into the garden and dig a grave for the dog, I said 'he's not dead', to which she replied, yes but he may die this winter and if there?s a heavy frost the ground will be too hard

Andrew and Jez had recently hooned their way across France in their matching Porsches to a wedding anniversary party. They went via the Channel Tunnel. During the break Andrew went to the toilet, he shut himself in his cubicle and started taking care of business. A few moments later Jez came in and in front of a bunch of toileting truck drivers started shouting 'Butt Lord, where are you, Butt Lord!' after a couple of moments of silence, a Andrew's voice sailed over the cubicle. "Will you not call me butt lord in public".

To which Jez stood in the middle of the loo and berated him "Fucking hell Andrew did you have to tack 'in public' on the end of that sentence."

He's a bridesmaid at a gay wedding in Amsterdam next month.

Hacked off

Although uncorroborated and until yesterday not brought to my attention, it seems this site could have recently been hacked. Apparently, my recent posting regarding our trip to Brighton, and particularly the references to cocktails had become links to, well, let’s say slightly unseemly adult sites.

Firstly, this was clearly not of my doing, it is a matter of editorial policy that although the language and content on the site is largely uncensored, any links included will not lead you to anything that will get you into trouble at work (unless you have particularly draconian web controls, in which case you probably shouldn’t be here in the first place). If it does become necessary to provide a risqué illustrative link, you will be properly forewarned as to its content.

If anything like this happens again, please email me.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

Ruffles' guide to life

Life is rather like the earth; starting with nothingness, over time you acquire layers; family, friends, and experiences. As you make another friend or have another experience, the layers become compacted down under the weight and become as hard as rock.

Upon this foundation is money, money is rather like sand, if don’t you have enough no matter how hard you try to keep hold of it, it always slips through your fingers, and no matter how thinly you spread it you can’t make a beach. If you have a beach it’s so ubiquitous and expansive you sit on it not fully appreciating its there, or the fact that it’s being constantly eroded away by the sea. If you have a beach there’s always more sand to build castles.

The beach is your launch pad; this is where you catch your thermals of luck, opportunity and situation. If you’re climbing, the exhilaration is breathtaking, so much so it’s difficult to imagine what a fall will be like, you may even reach heights where it’s best not to know how far you could drop, because it’ll hurt so much. If you’re up there, you might as well get on and enjoy it. You can, if you like, cruise at a comfortable altitude, the risk of falling isn’t as great, but neither are the rewards. It’s not always your choice as to which you end up doing.

And falls do come, from whatever height, the thermal gives way and you begin to return back to the ground. Sometime it’s faster than others, sometimes it’s just an air pocket and you drop for a short period of time, catching another thermal to return to where you were. Sometimes you’re shot down, and you wonder why it’s you, and not others who have hit the ground so hard.

Back at the beach, you talk to the sand for advice, move it around and pile it up to build a platform you can take off from, but it’s too flimsy and you can never get a good footing, you become super conscious that it is being eroded away by the sea and there’s nothing you can do about it. In short the sand is useless. The wind is still and launching back into the sky seems too distant and improbable, rather like going to the toilet in a rowdy pub, you sit there wondering how you do it normally, but no matter how much you think about it, nothing happens. It becomes necessary to dig in the sand and you realise that in fact there isn’t an endless supply it just seems that way. You begin to dig, and dig, and you don’t get far before your hitting rocks of your family, friends and experiences.

The rock is always there, it hardly ever changes, whether your high in the sky, digging in the sand, or cruising at low altitude, it’s always there, the opinions of you don’t change, the support doesn’t waiver. When you hit the ground and begin to dig, you think you’ve hit the bottom and there’s nothing left. When hit the rock, you realise there’s still along way to go until nothingness.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Big Brother

I present to you week 2 of the Ruffles Big Brother standings with last week's standings in brackets, and to make it in the slightest bit interesting, if they were a musician they’d be….

1. (2) Gos – P Diddly plays it like a playa, but as hip hop as your mum
2. (1) Nush – Brittany Spears, attractive, nice to the point of distraction, most unlikely person ever to have become a rap stars beeatch and Kylie – has a default setting of likeable.
3. (3) Cameron – Daniel O’Donnell, you might want to smack him in the mouth, but you know your it would break your granny’s heart if you did
4. (9) Jon – Simple Minds – Jon said “Look I get paid a shit load to do this (negotiate with people)”, Jim Kerr once said “It’s good to be playing small clubs again” the day before playing Wembley Arena. Well you need a good hate figure
5. (4) Steph – Dannii Minogue, you keep forgetting she exists but she’s been there throughout, and you know for sure she’s going to hang around like a bad smell
6. (10) Tania – Jennifer Lopez, oozes class and glamour in a cheap shop worker style.
7. (7) Scott – Jonathan Wilkes, not quite Robbie Williams, which makes him both very very right and very very wrong
8. (8) Federico – Peter Andre, it’s good to see a fine swordsman fail.
9. (11) Justine – The Lighthouse Family, bland, but nothing a crossbow wouldn’t fix
10. (6) Sissy – Scooter, screeching noise pollution dressed up as populist fun, wears Acupuncture trainers like the mid nineties never happened
11. (12) Ray – Blue, good looking tedious sod with no talent but an unfathomable bulletproof popularity

And Anouska is obviously S Club; annoying at first, then you liked her and now she’s gone, you kind of miss her.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Boy toy

I delude myself that I’m many things; resting professional footballer, trans-county DJ, international playboy, but I’ve never previously viewed myself as a gayboy dreamboat. I have apparently been the target of some lust homo-style in the past, which until yesterday, I thought it was a one off.

The wedding season is upon us and I needed a new suit, the variety of men’s suits is woeful – blue, grey, black, pinstripe or country casual fawn. My plan was to go with black, which would be good for work. Staring at the selection I was under whelmed by the tedium. Instead, driven on by the sweltering hot day, I was drawn to the light summery linen suits.

Within seconds Mr Humphrey’s from Are You Being Served pounced on me. He began to help me find the right jacket, and to ponder the colour, oh, and to chat me up.

“Are you a fireman?” he asked, I can’t underplay how camp he was.

I said no.

“Ooh you’re tall like a fireman”

“I’m not brave enough” I said

Before he could say ‘would you like to be a fireman, for me.’ I was making for the changing rooms.

“Go on sir, slip your pants off” he said as I did.

Once inside I could hear him talking to Emma

“Ooh, he’s ever so tall isn’t he?”

Their conversation veered through our holidays, our cats, how long we’ve been together, my evolving body shape. I sent Emma a text message.

“Will you shut up!”

I was looking sharp in the suit, and thoughts turned to shirts. Mr Humphries was off into the shirt section, he returned with several options, each one of which he slipped inside the jacket, inadvertently brushing his hand against my nipple. I began to feel invaded.

After we’d bought it, he shook my hand and rubbed my arm. “God bless you” he said with a smile and a twinkle. I’m not kidding, the man turned to jelly at the sight of me.

Later we bought some Ben and Jerry’s and a couple of big bottles of Leffe beer for a bar-b-que at the Nobscrubs. The woman on the till looked at me with a twinkle.

“That’s an intriguing selection of shopping, wine (it was beer) and ice cream”

See, now I’m a gay icon women have started wanting to turn me straight, they’re even making saucy suggestive comments about my private life from till 7 at Tesco.

Saturday, May 31, 2003

Inevitable posting

It’s that time of year again, ten weeks of utter drivel, pointless nobodies trying their very best to get a bit of fame. People scrambling for something to say to fill the tedious void. Yep, the Standard and the Mail are writing about Big Brother again.

The supposed highbrow tabloids coverage is exactly the same as it has been for the last four years. Last week the Standard once again ran a story about how BB was Orwellian in its concept. Which you have to admit is breathtakingly perceptive. The Mail believed it to be like Lord of the Flies and even Animal Farm. Presumably aiming to demonstrate their extraordinary depth of knowledge of A Level English Literature. Next week: why Big Brother is like Cider With Rosie, and Kes.

It is banality dressed up as intelligent commentary, which is basically how the world turns, but it’s at times like these that you turn to something altogether more honest.

The Sun and the Mirror are just in there swinging away with their own brand of pure banality. The Sun is the Official Big Brother paper, spending most of their time analysing the girls’ boobs – did you know that Sexy Sissy is a 32A but would like to be a cup size bigger?

The Mirror is unofficial and apparently Anti-BB despite, curiously, carrying the BB logo without any apparent infringement of copyright, hmmm. They basically run the same story but prefix each contestant’s name with something alliteratively derogatory - did you know Sad Sissy is a 32A but would like to be a cup size bigger?

What’s there not to like about Big Brother? It isn’t a social experiment, it is affected by editing, there is an element of cruelty, extroverts and show-offs tend to apply and there are long periods of nothingness. But is that not your life? Long periods of quiet moments, punctuated by periods of interest and excitement, your hard earned reputation and public façade eroded by other people’s misconceptions of you.

I find life is too busy to have to work my way up a moral totem pole. I spend my whole life bluffing about my ability, so I feel no need to pontificate about the flaws in the Big Brother concept. It’s far easier to kick back and enjoy it for what it is. So, in what I hope will be a regular feature, here is Ruffles’ BB current league table.

1. Nush – Can’t fault nice people, not nearly as precious as she looks.
2. Gos – Who cannot like the Hip Hop Asian, who responded to the first night nominations with “Man youse peoples are harsh”. Respect due.
3. Cameron – Dull, dependable, nice, apparently in complete awe at being there.
4. Steph – Kind of like Cameron
5. Anouska – Warmed to her, but she gone.
6. Sissy – Seems OK, did you know she’s a 32A but would like to be a cup size bigger?
7. Scott – Seems OK
8. Federico – Seems OK, although has the look of a arrogant turd
9. Jon – Spectacularly dull, always worth keeping him in just to gnaw away at the others’ goodwill.
10. Tania – Barely registering, bar tabloid scandals about her bedding Peter Andre
11. Justine – Much the same, without the Peter Andre bit.
12. Ray – Much the same without anything at all

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Punjabi Em C

Emma’s birthday has always been like a Hindu festival. It takes days to complete and has many sections and phases. 12 days after her birthday we entered phase four, the others being her actual birthday day, the ex-work colleagues dinner, and the dinner for people who couldn’t make Brighton. This was the trip to Brighton for the people who could make Brighton.

Vicki picked out the groovy boutique hotel the Alias Seattle in the Brighton Marina for us to enjoy a day or so with Simon, the Dobscrubs, and Russ and Sam just kicking back drinking with beautiful people in the cocktail bar, eating with beautiful people in a local restaurant, and watching fireworks with beautiful people from our seafront balcony. (To the beautiful people, we were the ugly people pointing at you).

We breakfasted in the Café Paradiso as the morning sun kissed our cheeks (the ones on our faces). We played on the decaying Air Hockey tables, and rode the Crazy Mouse rollercoaster at the end of the pier (terrifying), meandered through the meandering Lanes, ate Funky Tuna Bagels, and decided that once we got home, our lives would be different, we wouldn’t get wrapped up in work, our houses would be fashionably minimalist and hotel spotless, we would go down the gym and get buff, and we would spend our lives sitting in coffee shops philosophising during the day and drink in cocktail bars at night.

Today - Crash, burn, flames, everywhere.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Oh the shame

I have a good brain for ‘tabloid geography’ – i.e. not real geography, but the geography of knowing the name of different capital cities. I know where Sofia is, and Bucharest and Tiblisi. This has come from years of watching European football on the telly. I also have a well developed understanding of underlying cultural politics, which I have developed from years of watching Eurovision.

I’m not sure where my family’s fondness for Eurovision comes from. As kids we’d get in loads of sweets, and watch all nine hours of it (well, what felt like nine hours). We’d score each song, sometimes using the Radio Times cut out and keep score card (does anyone keep those things) sometimes using dad’s very own computer scoreboard programmed on the Commodore 64 – which was often more hi-tech than the scoreboard being used at the show. My sisters would always score UK 10 out of 10, making the whole thing a sham but it was an important part of family bonding that has served us well as we’ve grown up.

That’s rubbed off on many people, My sister’s best friend has been known to engineer nights in with my parents to watch it, and whoever I watch it with becomes strangely obsessed. Last night, it was with Gareth and Sara. Gareth is an aggressively competitive 23-year-old boy’s boy who had just won his football team’s player of the year award. He had a notebook out collecting scores based on song, performance and look. When we’re in town, everyone goes Eurovision.

As a family we we’ve always been pro-Europe (the irony being, you can’t actually be anti-Europe), and Eurovision has always been the image of an idealised Europe. All countries smiling and dancing with each other, the UK in amongst them arrogantly confident that despite all evidence to suggest otherwise, we are still the greatest country in the world.

But it’s all changed, last night’s national disgrace Jemini (she’s called Gemma, so it’s like Gem ‘n’ I, but spelt with a J geddit?) failed to notch a single point for their woefully flat performance of Bye Bye Baby. In the past countries coming bottom have been relegated because of the influx of East Europeans wanting to enter, so like football in the eighties, politics in the, erm, well, now and business in the 70’s whilst we have smugly sat around thinking we were the best, things have moved on and we’ve slipped out of the elite into oblivion.

I for one will be thinking long and hard about how much more I can take.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Weird Wycombe

Wycombe is a town in a valley; it has grown up through its furniture making industry, presumably because of the abundance of raw materials available in the Chiltern Hills. Furniture making is not really a big business in the town anymore. Because of its valley location and subsequent poor access people only go there when they really have to. The local industry is a reflection of this, the town is full of dour but necessary industries. The interesting industries go some place else. It doesn’t make for a great town.

It’s a similar situation with the people, George talks of ‘valley people’ who live in Wycombe and tend to be a bit odd. It’s not surprising, if you were bright and intelligent, you would live in one of the local villages, or perhaps Oxford, or London. Wycombe is the last place you’d try.

Being a good natured chap, I wasn’t prepared to believe it until yesterday when I had to go and pay a bill in town. I waited in the queue and used the pen on a string to fill in my pay slip, then stared vacantly as I moved forward. Suddenly I felt and nudge and a rustle, I was being manoeuvred out of the way. I turned to see what was going on. A small Jamaican lady was edging her way past me. “Excuse me” she said reaching down the counter. I moved out of the way unsure of where she was trying to get to, she picked up the pen I’d just been writing with, gave it a yank to break the string, and put it in her bag. She then shuffled back to her spot in the queue.

A little disturbed by the desperation of someone so openly stealing a 20p pen, I went to WHSmiths. I was looking for a magazine when one of the staff came up to an old man reading an angling magazine. “Can I help” she said obviously trying to push him into making a purchase, or put the magazine down. He looked up.

“No thank you dear, I’ll just read the bits I’m interested in, then I’ll go.”

And then he carried on reading. It’s a town of fruitloops.

Monday, May 19, 2003

My name's Roy

In my minds eye, the cup final existed on another planet. You drove in the vague direction of London or now Cardiff, and eventually a causeway would open and you’d drive to FA Cup Final Island passing as you did Bert Trautmann rubbing his broken neck, Ricky Villa weaving his way through the Man City defence, and Stanley Matthews waving from his very own Cup Final Condominium (with a Stan Mortensen looking grumpy behind him).

At the gate Ossie Ardiles’d greet you, and with the magic password “Tottingham” you’d go in.

The reality is not so far from the truth; Saturday was everything I hoped it would be and feared it wouldn’t. The colour and the noise, the perfect conditions (helped by the stadium roof), and the magical other worldly quality that only comes from 24,000 grown men in yellow and blue tinselly wigs made it the spectacle I needed it to be for me to retain a bit of boyhood delusion.

It was the Southampton fans that really made it; they filled their end an hour before kick off, the entire place bedecked in yellow and blue. Arsenal fans on the other hand arrived ten minutes before kick off, displaying the arrogance of success that made the day their consolation prize, not their dream. An arrogance which makes them forget that it’s teams like Southampton that makes their superiority mean something.

A Southampton goal would have made it, judging by they reception they got for coming out, the scenes if they had hit the back of the net would have been breathtaking. Arsenal demonstrated moments of guile, pace and creativity which is frightening to watch, let alone play against. At times they appear stuck, passing the ball around midfield, running crossfield, then all the cogs slip into place and they’re all moving, cutting their way through the Saints back four. It’s like each player splinters into five more and suddenly they’re a swarm. At Oxford, I know exactly what the players are doing; they just do it consistently better than me. Arsenal do things I can’t imagine trying to do, the faint, drag back, push and go, all in one fluid movement. Each section ending perfectly poised and balanced to move into the next. Southampton had no answer, their two dimensional attack nullified by Marsden’s poor crossing starved Beattie of service and failed to release the pace of Ormerod. They ran out of ideas and energy and Arsenal were the winners.

And then they lifted the cup and Seaman danced like your dad at a wedding. We clapped the dejected Saints players and made for the exit and back into the real world.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Final destination

The Cup Final actually meant something in our house. That day more than any other saw my family (excluding my philistine sisters) acting like the archetypal 1950’s nuclear family round the television watching the build up and the game.

Dad had the inordinate talent for naming every cup winner since 1872, usually annotating his answer with a neat bit of trivia; “Ah yes, 1939, the Monkey Glands Final”. Such a feat was made all the more staggering in that he usually fell asleep ten minutes before half time waking up ten minutes before the end to announce that “This is the worst cup final I’ve ever seen”.

What was special about the cup final was the build up. It always started early, perhaps with Cup Final Swap Shop. Then you’d see the players getting up (having their first fag, kicking the old tart out the bedroom etc.), you’d see them choosing their cup final suits (grey, shiny, white flecks), going on the coach to the game and finally disappearing into Wembley.

Intertwined was the showbiz element. Stan Boardman, Cup Final Question of Sport (Emlyn Hughes, Bill Beaumont), the celebrity fans. What’s more, it was BBC and ITV at the same time. One year we set up a portable black and white next to the normal telly so we could watch both sides at the same time. As technology progressed, we’d record ITV whilst BBC was on live. We’d often miss bits because there weren’t three strong men available to lift the new tape into the machine. This was when you hit record; the buttons would give off a satisfying “KERCHUNK” noise.

You were usually exhausted by kick-off. Traditionally it’s always hot, often you’d get some old pro announcing that it was 450 degrees at pitch level and that the players, dehydrated from the previous night’s booze up wouldn’t cope. Cramp was an occupational hazard and there are many stories of players having to go off after scoring because they exhausted themselves celebrating.

The games weren’t always classics, Alan Sunderland’s last minute goal in 1979 probably making that year the best cup final in a generation. His hairdo was probably the best perm in a generation too. Coventry in 1987 was a classic, Liverpool v Everton in 1989 set to the backdrop of the Hillsborough disaster was an amazing day. Not least seeing people scaling the walls of Wembley to get in.

Anyway, I shall be thinking about all this as I sit in my seat on Saturday.

Oh sorry, did I forget to mention I’m going to the Cup Final this year?

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Mrs Robinson

Emma was delighted when she got out of bed that her boobs didn’t hit the floor, she was less pleased to find out that all that was stopping them was her knock-knees. It seems despite the onset of time she’s holding up rather well, mind you suddenly she’s dressing very young for her age.

Happy birthday m’luv.

Monday, May 12, 2003

EMAYL

If it weren’t for Emma’s Irish dancing fund raiser at school I’d have probably never have gone to EMAYL on Friday. EMAYL is not some groovy boho urban eatery with brushed steel industrial fittings and seventies porn playing on plasma screens in the corner. EMAYL is our local Eat as Much As You Like Chinese.

EMAYL is much more Sara and Gareth than Justin and Emma, we like atmosphere in our dining establishments, they like volume and value for money. With Emma off the scene, I tagged along with them for my fill of Chinese and to watch the crock of shit that is X-Men 2.

I mention this only because it gives me an opportunity to articulate something that I am not usually able to during normal conversations – other things being “Men’s futile obsession with thongs” and “Paedophilia, it’s not all black and white” (‘Just a very dark grey’ according to the visibly disturbed Nobby). I once phoned EMAYL to find out whether they were open. The woman who answered was particularly terse when I asked if it was the Eat As Much As You Can restaurant, no, she said, it was the Eat as Much As You Like restaurant.

Why was she so adamant about the difference? Well, Eat As Much As You Can means eating so much that your gut expands and begins to press on your spinal column causing you to lose feeling in your feet and your vision to narrow. East As Much As You Like, means eating until you don’t really fancy anymore watery noodles or Fried Anything covered in thin sweet and sour sauce (usually after about half a plate).

The difference is absolutely crucial to the success of their business. If everyone came in to eat as much as they could the business would be bankrupt within weeks. People wouldn’t leave until they you could see crispy chilli beef coming out of their nostrils and hoi sin sauce leaking out of their tear ducts.

Mind you, some of the people there on Friday were giving it a good go.

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Music is my life

Listening to Miss Kittin’s Radio Caroline mix tape she announces in her ethereal non-specific European accent that this music represents a soundtrack to her life (a movie that is real, apparently). The mix is not what I expected being a CD of Warp Records style techno; Auterche, Mu-Ziq etc. it pootles along nicely and she chats over the fudged mixes.

The assertion that the music is a soundtrack to her life is hardly what you’d call groundbreaking. If I were to concoct a soundtrack of my life it would probably have to start with ‘Under the Moon of Love’ by Showaddywaddy and finish with Skattered Jazz by Dirty Sole getting from one to another will be tricky because so many points needed to be touched in between.

I’m surrounded by piles of music, I carried 25 CDs out of the boot of my car yesterday, and dumped them on 25 more CDs that came out of my car a couple of weeks ago.

I’ve got a drum and bass version of The Dad’s Army Theme, two copies of KLF’s 1987 (The bootlegged complete one, and the one where all the samples are taken out for copyright reasons and you’re given a book on how to recreate them (includes instructions like, record 1984 Christmas Top of The Pops and splice up the chart run down leaving out 17). I have a ludicrously early pressing of Aphex Twin’s Didgeridoo, I have It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back on all formats (tape when I was a teenager, CD when I got a CD player, and Vinyl when I found a copy for £3.99 in HMV). I have everything Justin Timberlake’s ever committed to vinyl and over forty Depeche Mode singles. Music leaks into my house – between me starting and finishing this post I got a new record I ordered it months ago and it’s just arrived. I don’t even have to leave my house anymore.

I’ve even changed my buying policy to purchase only records that I actually want – this will only mean something to people with a voracious appetite for buying music (sometimes you have to buy an album or two to know you don’t like someone). I still don’t have Just A Little Bit by Liberty X, Celebrity Skin by Hole, She-La-Na-Gig by PJ Harvey or Don’t Stop Movin’ by S Club but I really want them. And if anyone is willing to part with Tricks of the Shade by The Goats on CD, I have money.

Despite this, you’d hope that I have a record to satisfy every point on my multi-dimensional mood graph, but for some reason no. Listening to Ugly Duckling in the car yesterday and I wanted to listen to Elbow, it wasn’t quite rocky enough, so I moved onto Elephant by The White Stripes, it still didn’t hit the mark so I figured maybe something like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club.

But I don’t even have any Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, I’ve never even heard a Black Rebel Motorcycle Club record, why would I think that would suit my mood?

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Over paid over sexed over here

We were once asked by an American to point to Stonehenge on his map. This would have been fine if it weren’t for the fact he was looking at a map of Windsor and standing in front of the castle. Naturally we vaguely pointed to somewhere just out of view, indicated that he could follow the signs and legged it.

No doubt Madonna, when she reads this, will be laughing at the foreigner’s stupidity. No doubt she’ll be drinking her beloved pint of Tommy Taylor’s bitter down the Dock and Duck in Soho whilst she does it. This is just a…. hang on….

Oh, fuck off woman.

There was a time when we as a nation were accused of being little more than a big US aircraft carrier, now we’re a bloody rehab clinic. Going British is the latest US celebrity fad, fuck Tai Chi, and Macrobiotic diets, let’s have pie and mash and a night down the dogs. Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, Nicole Kidman and Ewan MaGregor, Dustin Hoffman and Johnny Vegas. Americans wanting to immerse themselves in some kind of ‘real’ British culture (“with all that history”, as though history is a commodity). They do their theatre, drive their Minis, see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in concert at the Monarch, joke about they’re terrible theatre wages on leftfield talk shows. It was a neat novelty at first; but the fad is gone, isn’t it about time they all went a bit eighties and moved to Berlin to be close to the burgeoning Nu Punk Synth Scene?

Much more of this and we’ll have Americans shopping at Tesco and visiting Bracknell. Nothing is safe, soon sniggering landladies won’t be able charge treble their normal price because the bed they bought from Argos was “The one King Henry the Eighth first bedded JK Rowling in”. It’s a bloody disaster.

I’ve been trying to find a term for these people I’ve toyed with Van Dykes, and Brankies but have come up with an acronym:

Migrating Yank Celebrities Hope to Initiate Pitiful Pursuit of Ill-conceived English Traditions to Help Evolve Image, and ValiditY

OK, it’s not great, but it does kind of spell out….

MY CHIPPIE THE IVY

Sunday, May 04, 2003

Heartbreaker

Anyone who saw Manchester United v Real Madrid had to be impressed by the fluidity and skill on show. Two of the world’s best sides playing it like a Playstation game, all immaculate passing, flawless tackling and perfectly executed goals.

If football is theatre, this was pure Andrew Lloyd Webber; glossy, skilful, entertaining, and totally anodyne. A minute after Ronaldo equalised you could see United fans smiling broadly enjoying their evening with the family, sharing their drinks and reading the programme. When Ronaldo went off having embarrassed United’s ‘world class defence’ Old Trafford applauded politely. All very lovely.

This is fine, and it’s just the kind of harmless light entertainment that ITV wants for Tuesday night viewing. But if you think that’s what makes football the biggest sport in the world, you’re wrong.

Football is mostly gut poppingly frustrating, a total waste of time, and often a complete waste of money. As a form of entertainment it registers just below heart surgery. But the elevation from these regular frustrations to the preciously rare joy that comes from a success is what makes it the greatest sport on the planet. In a fortnight Southampton will be in the FA Cup final for the first time since they won it in 1976. Their fans have watched their team for the intervening 27 years with little reward, but they still go every week in the hope that they’ll do it again. If they lose to Arsenal, which they probably will, they may have to wait another 27 years for another go. On that basis you’re looking at perhaps three moments of tangible joy in a football supporters lifetime. And Southampton are one of the more successful teams in the country.

Yesterday Oxford were on the verge of a rare moment of joy, if Lincoln lost to Torquay and we won, Oxford would be in the play-offs. From the play-offs we could be promoted from the cloggers and animals in Division 3, to the cloggers and animals in Division 2.

Oxford scored after two minutes and never looked like losing, near half time the place erupted even though the ball wasn’t on the pitch. Lincoln were losing. We were winning. We were in the play-offs and chasing promotion.

The second half came, somebody leapt up shouting “Torquay have got a penalty!” There was a pregnant pause, if you can imagine the pregnant pause of six thousand Oxford fans waiting to hear the news of a Torquay player taking a penalty in Lincoln. A moment later stadium was jumping, Torquay were 2-0 up. As the concrete stands cracked under the cacophony the bloke in front of me tuned into his radio, he turned to me perplexed; “They had a penalty, but they missed it”. It was the biggest game of Chinese whispers Oxford had ever seen. Somebody shouts they’ve got a penalty, somebody else translates that as they’ve scored a penalty. Somewhere in Lincoln, a Torquay striker holds his head in his hands as the ball nestles comfortably in the arms of the grateful Lincoln keeper.

Lincoln were still losing though, we were winning, that was enough. The tension rose, which made reading the quietening crowd more difficult, each text message beep that went off, each ripple of the crowd, the occasional bloke who jumped up shouting “It’s 2-0!” which caused another surge of delight, but turned out to be another reference to the penalty they scored but missed. What would it sound like if Lincoln scored and doomed us to another year of Division 3 football? With four minutes left we found out, yelping, swearing but overall a ghostly silence drifted across the stadium.

And that is what football is about. In a season you watch 69 hours of frustrating, largely un-entertaining football, and despite this investment you may miss out with four minutes of those 69 hours left. Your next opportunity will only come after 69 hours more of football. It’s like reading the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, only to find out that when Frodo gets to the Mount Doom he left the ring on the mantelpiece back in the Shire, and the Mount Doom have been turned into a Hungry Horse restaurant with child’s ball pool and play area.

If you don’t follow football but see David Beckham on Pepsi adverts and think that’s what it’s about. It’s not, it’s all the kicking and screaming under the media sheen that makes football what it is. Football isn’t really about the top teams and players; it’s about Vietnamese second division promotion race, the Mongolia Vs Greenland international friendly, the Peruvian cup quarter-final second replay. People forget that.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Holy jokes

Whilst it isn’t updated that much, I love this site, it mirrors the comments we make when we watch the Hollyoaks omnibus on Sundays. Although at no point does it say “I don’t know why I’m even watching this, I’m going to have a bath”.

If you don’t watch Hollyoaks there’s been a serial killer plot running almost as background noise for months. Will Davies is the investigating police officer who’s infatuated with his partner Drew, although she slept with Ben, Will’s son. Ben continues to have a love hate relationship with Izzy the posh DJ (whose eclectic style veers from acid trance to the Waterboys to drill and bass to SClub 7 (RIP) with every new tune). Izzy’s last boyfriend was Café owner Tony, who she split with after he accidentally asked two people to marry him. Tony recently got involved with sunken-faced laundrette owner and older woman Helen whilst she was married to Mr Cunningham. Helen is rather hotly pursued by younger men and was recently obsessed over by Bombhead who once went on a date with Abbey even though she is now with Lee. Izzy, meanwhile, went out with Dan Hunter, but split because of his self-destructive streak (which turned out to be diabetes), Dan now goes out with Debbie. Izzy is currently on the verge of an affair with Christian. Christian’s past conquests includes Jodie who slept with Gay Nick when he thought he was straight, more recently she had a brief flirtation with Max. Max barren love life didn’t preclude him from snogging his half sister Mandy, who briefly went out with Adam who is confined to a wheelchair after a car crash. Adam, has now embarked on a simpering smiling relationship with Becca, who once slept with Matt when he was on a break from his now fiancé Chloe.

Adam's final year college project is a Big Brother pastiche The Fish Tank, one of whose contestants is the aforementioned Christian who after his appearance is being obsessed over by reformed self-harmer Lisa, this has put undoubted strain on Lisa’s relationship her boyfriend Cameron. Lisa’s self harm was appeased in part though, not totally through poetry and music, her problems were appeased wholly when she became old enough for the producers to let her wear bikini without inviting accusations of paedophilia, then all her problems were conveniently forgotten. Lisa got very close to Norman who had an unnaturally close maternal relationship with Sally who is married to Les. Lisa’s emotional outlet of music and poetry ended up with her shacked up with gothic Christian rock singer and Kilmarnock fan Brian. Who had been going out with Zara. Their relationship was irretrievably damaged when he slept with Steph Dean, who slept with ‘evil’ nightclub owner and former England footballer Scott Anderson. Anderson’s was alleged to have raped Beth Morgan, who embarked on an empathetic relationship with OB whose recently become infatuated by Roxy, yes, Roxy who he met on the Internet. Roxy has recently been murdered by Toby in a psycho sexual attack inflamed by Ellie, his girlfriend who has embarked on many relationships, including aged landlord Jack and Ben who slept with Drew, whose infatuated by police inspector Will Davies.

And that my friends is the worlds first Thirty Six Sided Love Polygon.

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Shamed

I feel ashamed by what I’ve done. I don’t even know why I’m putting this in such an open forum. It’s so hard to articulate it face to face to people I know, people who have a certain view of me, well, I’m not the person you think I am.

I’ve had a moment of madness, seduced into something I never wanted to get back into, I’m in a very bad place. Rather than you finding out yourselves, as you inevitably will, I wanted to try and explain myself.

I try to analyse how I got into this situation, maybe I was tired of the same old same old. I needed something new and exciting, something harmless. Perhaps a quick screw so nobody gets hurt.

And it’s so easy to get into, you just pay your money and it’s there, on a plate, anything you want, whether it’s something conventional or something a little out there, rubber, binding, anything. If you want a themed room, they can do that for you, all your fantasies satisfied.

Then you get home and you take stock of what you’ve done, but you try to live with it, and you get in deeper and deeper and you feel so dirty.

And dusty.

That’s right, we’re doing DIY again.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

The Catfather

We have very needy cats. Peanut is a white cat with her head and tail dipped in ginger. She was the runt of the litter and quite evidently needed to be a bit canny and bold to survive. She is now gregarious and a bit of a bully. She will follow you around and ask to be stroked with a screeching miaow; if we go out into the garden she will push you out the way so she can get out first. She doesn’t know her place.

Waddle is a big floppy black and white cat who runs away from everything and morphs and distorts when you stroke her. She has uneven splodges on her face; it makes her look a bit autistic, which seems very appropriate.

Depending on the temperature they will both usually sleep on the bed. The colder it gets the closer they will get to us, Waddle will sometimes sleep between us causing her to take most of the duvet. Emma invites her under the duvet so we can retrieve what is rightfully ours. Waddle then overheats and disappears. It’s better than throwing her against the wall, which is what you want to do at 3am with an icey chill blowing up your pyjama trousers.

I woke this morning at 4.45 with my brain racing about the things I had to do today. Of course when I got in to do the things I wanted to do today my brain started racing about the things I wanted to do at home. Go figure.

Upon waking I turned over to see Emma fast asleep. Then in the half light I could see something else poking out of the duvet. Slowly I focussed. It was Peanut asleep between us, she was totally submerged under the duvet, only her head could be seen, and that was on a pillow.

I woke her up and she looked at me, I looked at her as if to say that she’d pushed it a little too far. She stared momentarily concluded that I had woken her for no reason, and went back to sleep.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

DIY hell

Yesterday I joined the first wave of bank holiday DIY'ers at B&Q to pick up some Polyfillar and some varnish in an attempt to progress our two year kitchen project.

I say first wave because wave one is buying the goods required to make whatever it is you plan to make, this usually means buying far too much of the wrong stuff (Get four hundred gallons of white emulsion, it might be useful in drilling some holes). The second wave is returning to buy the stuff you forgot or the stuff that will fix your botch.

"I can't get this bloody stuff to work"
"Have you read the instructions"
"I don't need to read the bloody instructions"
"Look, it says here, apply paint with paintbrush, did you get a paintbrush"
"No I bloody didn't, why doesn't it come with a paintbrush’ Where are my keys"

Fixing the bodge means buying something progressively more dangerous than the thing you bought the first time you went in. For example, during the kitchen project we bought a worktop (potential dangers: Could saw finger off when cutting (no) or could drop on both feet when manoeuvring (YES)) We cut it to size only to find that when we put it in it was considerably shorter than we expected (repeat this mantra: ˜None of the walls are straight").

As a result I had to get expanding foam to plug the gaps. This required me to wear gloves when applying. These safety instructions are always overly cautious so I squirted it on, and spread it out with my gloveless fingers. Now, this stuff is what you might describe as a Liquid wall and as such it dries like concrete. It did a fine job of melding my fingers together. I had to sit for three hours with washing up liquid, baby oil, cocoa butter and anything would keep stop my hands turning into trotters. I saved my career as a pianist but managed to smell like a cheap hooker for days.

More recently, when applying gloss paint to the skirting boards I decided we'd get a better job done by stripping the old paint off. Whether you're doing DIY or not paint stripper is worth using just to see it in action. You apply it to the paint and nothing happens, then three seconds later the paint blisters violently and the noxious fumes fill the air. It's the sexiest DIY application on the market.

I used it wearing gloves as directed. Fine except the shards of paint kept dropping onto my bare arms causing my skin to fizzle and burn. Managing to burn enough holes in my arms for people to think that I was half man half Curly Wurly, Emma's dad went out and bought some new wood at a fraction of the cost and replaced the old crap in a matter of minutes.

Given the danger of this particular product I cannot be far from the DIY bodgers dream using an application that requires a facemask and chain mail.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Morning routine

My morning routine is a simple and well drilled affair, I wake up, go straight to the shower, come downstairs, iron a shirt whilst the kettle is boiling, drink tea whilst I watch the TV review on GMTV with Kate Garraway (WEY HEY!, a thousand more hits for me) and Richard Arnold, finish my tea, pick up my rucksack and make for the car. Stop the clock, forty minutes.

The eagle eyed amongst you will realise that whilst I have a smartly pressed shirt, I appear go to work naked. Interwoven amongst this routine, is dressing, almost every day.

I hate getting in the shower. It’s the point of no return, a surge of energy, sparked by our badly tuned clock radio, propels me to the bathroom. Once I’m in the shower I’m no longer allowed to be a sleepy lumbering beast, theory says in three minutes I have to be awake, alert and ready.

To lubricate my passage (WEY! HEY! two thousand more hits) is shower gel. It’s like the big lever Han Solo pulls on the Millennium Falcon to make the jump to light speed. It’s supposed to take you through the barrier into the world of the awake. Much like the Falcon’s flux capacita, every time I use it, it fails to live up to expectations.

It’s always called something like Sunshine Sunburst or is the fragrance of a far off paradise like Aloe Aldershot. I expect my skin to crackle and sparkle into life when the gloop touches it. I expect it to invigorate my mind, open it up to embrace the challenges ahead (challenges like, how to write 500 words about shower gel, for example). I want it to feel like I’m having colonic irrigation using Sherbert Abdabs and Semtex.

It never does of course, it makes no difference to my morning, it goes from orange goo to orange goo with a couple of bubbles to orange goo with a couple of bubbles making haste towards the plughole. I’m so disappointed.

Monday, April 14, 2003

Big boned

Emma, like all teachers, lives on a different time convention to most people. She will say things like, “Shall we go to Brighton on the last weekend of the spring half term” as though anyone knows when that is.

It’s day one of the Easter holidays and like the big meany I am, I have made it quite clear that if Emma is to start redecorating the hall (her planned Easter project) we have to have finished the 2 year old kitchen project first. This has spurred her on to great things, today she was out of bed before lunch time.

I got a phone call at one o’clock.

“The painting looks crap, the dentist can’t see me for three months, I phoned the council (about something complicated) and they said it’s not their fault, I phoned the cinema and their systems are down and you’ve had an email giving you information about penis extensions, I assume you didn't have anything to do with that?”

I laughed hysterically and a little too loud and denied it all, afterall, what do I know about cinema computer systems?

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Exhibitionism

For me, the last three weeks have been dominated by exhibitions, putting stands up, taking them down, standing staring blankly trying not to look bored. Being an exhibitor is a rotten job because you spend three days trying to convince yourself that this is all worthwhile, when all your doing is exposing yourself to the maddest people on earth.

First up are the people wearing slightly obscured badges, all you can read is that they’re job title says “…ing Di…” and you hope beyond hope that this means they are Managing Director. Eventually they reveal themselves to be a “Catering Dining Room Assistant”. They turn up on the first day and are queuing outside before the doors are open. Their boss has sent them to the exhibition because it’s a day out and cheaper than training and a pay rise. Yet despite this rare freedom, they fear they will be found out if they saunter in at lunchtime having spent the morning on Oxford Street. They look around listen intently at the to what your telling them, give positive comments like “That would be good in our company” then when you ask if they want to set up a meeting they cackle wildly, turn red and say “Ooh my boss wouldn’t like that” and shuffle off. But not before they take one of each piece of promotional literature you have. They wear beige anoraks and are laden down with promotional plastic bags. You later see them having a coffee and a flapjack fretting they won’t be allowed to claim it on expenses.

If you let your guard down you’ll find yourself turning and walking into a man invading your personal space by standing two inches from you. He will have a jet-black perm with silver grey sideburns. He is a magician/hypnotherapist/dolphin trainer who specialises in motivational and/or quit smoking techniques. He is about to sell to you. On your space, which you have spent in excess of £7000 to construct he spends twenty minutes convincing you he will help you give up smoking in seven days. Tell him you don’t smoke and he will insist he can help you start smoking in seven days, “or your money back”. He will always have a business card that says Flat 9a, Edgeware Road, which it will be above Carphonewarehouse.

Occasionally somebody apparently credible will come and talk to you. Sometimes they will reach into their pocket and before you know it you have a business card imbedded in your forehead. “Send me something to that” they say before disappearing off to maim someone else. Either that, or they will stop and ask what your business is about. “Well…” you say before they interject and spend an hour telling you that they’re doing something very ordinary “I’m recently redundant, er, an independent consultant who is specialising in helping people eat carrots” you nod “But I’m doing it a bit differently to most people” at this point your inner ear caves in and you can’t hear anything apart from “Revolutionary technique from America” and “Using computer simulations online”. All the while over his shoulder you can see the Bill Gates perusing your literature saying to his handmaiden “If I can talk to this guy I’m going to buy this for every single one of my employees and all my wives.”

At the end of long and busy show your mind turns to going home, and hey presto! the mad people turn up. Mostly they collect leaflets that they will sleep in. Others will draw you into a conversation, which is apparently making sense, until you realise they have teeth made of pegs, eyes that are different colours and ears growing upside down. Then the show closes and you cut them off mid sentence and turn and rip your stand down in a frenzy.

When you’ve finished and everything is packed up, you realise they are still standing there waiting for you to finish. Either that or you accidentally pack them up and find them back at the office running your IT system.

Friday, April 11, 2003

I'm so sorry

Having been super busy recently, I haven’t posted much up on the site. In a panic to appease my growing fan base (I’ve decided now to refer to all readers as ‘fans’) I posted an all too hasty note about the boat race. Rubbish wasn’t it?

So to alleviate my fans, here are some snippets of conversations held throughout that day: -

Conversation number 1: - Russ and Sam are going to Canada on holiday

Simon “So you’re going Whale spotting?”
Russ (nodding in acknowledgement) “Visiting relatives…that’s not to say we’re related to Whales”
Sam “Although in a sense I am, because I’m half Welsh… and half Canadian”
Scott “Exotic”
Russ “Yes, but we don’t have water spurting out the top of our heads”

Conversation number 2: - Simon looks for his college colours

Simon “I haven’t seen anyone in my college colours (Churchill)”
Scott “Why do Churchill have pink and brown college colours”
Simon “Apparently it’s the first principal of the college, it was his wife’s favourite colours”
Scott “Oh right, like the colour of her dogs or something… er… one being a chocolate Labrador, and one having fallen in a vat of Immac”

Conversation number 3: - Tips for business luncheons

Mike “I’m having lunch with my new employers tomorrow, any tips?”

Responses included: - 

• Order just after everyone else does, or just before
• Don’t have noodles, sucking them up and having them slap your forehead on the way in doesn’t leave a good impression
• Don’t drink anything, although as they’re paying, you should drink as much as you can, it will relax you and loosen you up
• Wear clowns boots and a twirly wirly bow tie
• Would you like us to come and sit at the next table reading newspapers with eyeholes to give you tips and see how you’re getting on

Mike visibly shrivelled muttering something about being “nervous beforehand and terrified now.”

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Eastbourne Poly, who'd have thought it

At the age of 13 I turned up to a maths exam without a calculator – the effect was catastrophic – my mark was lower than expected, meaning I dropped down a group for maths, meaning my GCSE grades weren’t what they could have been, meaning my A Levels suffered, meaning I didn’t get into either Oxford or Cambridge University and in a moment of teenage forgetfulness, my hopes of a rowing blue were scuppered forever.

To the people who know me, I hope your snorting your coffee out of your noses at the phrase “My GCSE grades weren’t what they could have been”.

Russ invited us to his club, I didn’t really like Russ until I found out he had a West London club, now I’ve found him to be one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. When he asked us to join him to watch the boat race, we were all over it faster than you can say “I’m 19, at Trinity College, I feel the need to wear a blazer, fedora and slacks.”

Although we watched just 12 seconds of live rowing as first the reserve crews, and then the proper race sped by our balcony vantage point, it was a fantastic day with friends, drinking (too much for a school night) and having a right laugh.

Whilst I could, and maybe will, elucidate further than this, I won’t because to say it was just great fun says it all really.

Sunday, April 06, 2003

Linhope corner

Rents in Marylebone are oppressive as it is, but in terms of rents paid per utilised square metre, the Linhope Corner has to be the most expensive real estate in the northern hemisphere.

Whilst the whole of Linhope is a chaotic nod to modern day consumerism, it is just one small corner of the living room that appears to be utilised with any great vigour. Usually my visits are brief, often starting at 3am after a night out, we will get in, Simon will survey the detritus of Linhope Corner and analyse who is currently in the house, and what has been going on there.

“Hmm, cigar, copy of FHM, TV control, half bottle of whiskey, Baz clearly went out on the spaz*, didn’t enjoy it too much, came home, watched TV fell asleep and is currently upstairs in bed, hmm the FHM is puzzling me… I concur that he’s alone.”

If I stay at Linhope, The Corner is where I sleep, it’s where the sofa bed is, and the widescreen TV which only plays Soccer AM and The Simpsons (oh, and Seinfeld now), and the copies of The Sun and FHM, and piles of change (ask Simon to do his ‘Barry’s Pocket’s Routine’), and the games consoles, and the blurry pictures and tokens of ventures past, and many other media related short term consumables.

Try moving everything you own into three-square metres of your house, that’s what it’s like. It’s so densely packed with stuff you can’t help thinking that perhaps it’s an art installation and that the actual living takes place elsewhere. On Saturday I went over to find, for the first time, all three of the residents sitting in Linhope Corner enjoying a lazy Saturday morning. Barry lounged across the sofa, Davis was slouched star shaped on one chair and Simon was geeking on his laptop in the other. Soccer AM was musing in the corner. Through some miracle of mathematics and particle physics they all actually fitted in.

*Linhopian slang

Friday, April 04, 2003

Wax lyrical

Whilst I can't think of any link between the two, wouldn't it be great if there was a song with the lyric "Geography is just like pornography."

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