Monday, July 07, 2003

What goes on tour, stays on tour

Due to the Law of the Stag, I’m mandated to not to tell you what on at Gareth’s stag weekend in Barcelona, so here are a few of the things that didn’t happen.

  • Nobody fell asleep in a porn cinema within three hours of arriving and got lost for six hours trying to find the hotel.
  • The stag didn’t at any point have to drink a pint with nine shots in it
  • Nobody dipped their willy in someone else’s pint whilst they were in the toilet, then got mixed up and drunk it himself
  • Nobody gave the stag a wedgie which tore his thick cotton boxer shorts clean off
  • No one fell into a water hazard on a roof top crazy golf course in front of six security guards
  • Nobody was ceremoniously dipped into the same roof top crazy golf course water hazard two days later.
  • This also wasn’t in front of six security guards
  • Nobody went to a strip bar, paid £14 to get it, £10 for a beer, then negotiated with a stripper to do a dance for £85, thanking her for giving them a discount by buying her a drink for £20
  • Not one of that party of four claimed it was his birthday and subsequently enjoyed a majority of the dance
  • Nobody got the stag to drink ten shots in a row, an endeavour illegal in this country
  • Nobody ‘thanked’ the best man Tim by buying him five shots, singing the theme song Tim’ll Fix It, whilst he drank them.
  • Nobody dreamt up that the best man should have a “Best Man’s Favourite” which meant he should drink three shots of Absinthe
  • Nobody who was over six foot three with the bulk of a body builder rode a children’s ride whilst others bought food from a supermarket
  • Nobody bought the stag a vile looking vodka and baileys which curdled and separated
  • At no point after he finished it, did we get a round of vodka and baileys for everyone because it was so nice
  • Nobody called out to a German who had just hired the services of a prostitute on Las Ramblas “She’ll make you pay for it you know, she doesn’t love you”
  • Nobody, being constantly propositioned by prostitutes whilst everyone walked back to the hotel shouted “Prossies make me laugh!”
  • Nobody threw themselves off the Marina into the sea at six in the morning as the result of a bet, despite having seen big fish and jelly fish earlier in the weekend
  • Nobody built a quasi religion around “The Curb of Apparent Doom”
  • Nobody fell over the “Incline of semi-embarrassment”
  • Nobody engaged in conversation with a German with man breasts who asked “Are you from the Techno Conference”, to which was replied “No but you are”
  • Nobody accidentally bought forty-two drinks for six people
  • Nobody bullied an Irish band to play for twenty minutes more than they were booked by continuously chanting “One more tune”, then, when they eventually packed up, booed them off
  • Nobody tried to proposition a prostitute with free Tequila shot vouchers from a bar
  • Nobody when asked whether they were coming to Guadi’s unfinished cathedral, said “Tell them I’ll come when it’s finished”
  • Nobody, in a conversation about ‘having your brown wings’, claimed to have his white wings, explaining to the blank faces it was “Sleeping with a girl with a uterus infection”
  • No one, not even Banno, sent a text message to his wife Clare saying “We think International Team Banno are the business”
  • She didn’t reply with a message saying “Great. We’re watching a video tonight, love you C.”
  • The Stag didn’t at any point jump to his feet offering the bemused waiter high tens every time he brought out another bowel of tapas shouting “Yaaah TAPAS!”
  • Nobody told someone we were having an non-existent olive eating competition and the record was fifteen, then forced that person, who hates olives with a sickness, to break the record.
  • Nobody, not even the same person as above, asked what happened to the name game we were playing in a restaurant when our food was served. Despite the game having died on its arse, at no point were they told it was their go. At no point did he without blinking start to drink whilst thinking up his name. At no point was he told that every subsequent name he came up with had ‘been done before’. At no point did he continue to struggle for at least ten to fifteen minutes.
  • The stag didn’t have a twenty minute rage about how you couldn’t “catch a hotel in this country”, when he meant a taxi.
  • Nobody, whilst lost at five in the morning accosted a couple of Belgian girls with a map waving his arms shouting “Parlez vous Francais”
  • Nobody downgraded the word C**t to a “category b swearword”
  • This conversation didn’t happen: -
  • “What time are we going out? About 11.30?”
  • “Fuck off you c**t, 11.30!? Quarter past”
  • Nobody fell asleep in the departure lounge toilets whilst the plane was boarding
  • Nobody woke up surrounded by sick on his bed, and then deny it was his.
  • Nobody said that he was disappointed that the last night ended a bit early, at 5.30 in the morning
  • Nobody stole every towel apart from a flannel from someone’s room whilst he showered, he didn’t then come out and walk around the corridors trying to find it
  • Nobody told an American that he hated the Swiss because they were “hoarding Hitler’s Gold”
  • Nobody tried to wave away a persistent flower seller by raising his arms and saying “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for”
  • Nobody knows how the long stay car park works at Gatwick Airport


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