Friday, April 13, 2007

A good slippering

The sensible people from the Internet reassure me that I'm not middle aged; I know I'm not. I'm comfortable with this. Then, I get home tonight to find that the corporates have hit back; a letter from Tesco saying 'thank you for using Tesco loans (18 months ago), as your circumstances change...'. Grrr.

On a not unrelated note; I suffer from cold feet due to bad circulation, which may be a sign of oncoming middle-age. Thing is, I can't remember a time when I didn't suffer. During the cold months it's particularly uncomfortable. Emma has a solution; buy slippers, which seems obvious. But I have an aversion to slippers. In fact, some limited market research reveals that I'm not alone. Men don't like slippers, and I know why.

Take away generations of the nurturing of the human race; of social programming, strip away the roles we have been given by society and the empowerment that recent generations have been given to kick against these roles. If you get back to the very essence of existence, you're left with two principle facts. Woman need to reproduce, if they don't the human race will stop, in order to do that, men need to hunt for food.

So, deep inside every man is a requirement to hunt sabre tooth tigers for tea and you don't do that in soft indoor slip-on shoes. To wear slippers emasculates you of all those hunting instincts; it says 'I'm at home, with my tea on my knees'. This does not make you a primed killing machine. The men I know who do wear slippers seem far more balanced with life in general; more in line with the rhythm of modern living. They seem to have suppressed the instinct to hunt sabre tooth tigers. I envy them, because if I was able to do the same, I would be wearing slippers and wouldn't have cold feet.

Think I'm wrong about this? Tell me for what purpose would you actually need a pair of 'active sports slippers'? Are slippers the quintessential non-active, non-sport footwear? The slipper companies are trying to dupe all us sabre tooth tiger hunting men into buying slippers (it doesn't work; they've been reduced by £2)

My research tells me that woman are much more comfortable with the concept of wearing slippers. This isn't a surprise, by definition slippers bind you to the home; the best place to reproduce. What's more, slippers are viewed as attractive on women, sexy even. This is because men need woman to want to reproduce because they can't and a penchant for slippers communicates a homely willingness to do so.

So, I've got cold feet because I'm waiting to go out and hunt sabre tooth tigers, yet Tesco Direct means you can, in a very modern sense, actually go hunting in your slippers. I think it might be time to put away my loin cloth.


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