Zulu's thousands of them
Where the bloody hell did you lot appear from? Simon’s just sent though last week’s log files and for some reason I’m experiencing unprecedented heavy flow. Sisters, I’m feeling you this week.
The search engines have caught onto my existence, I’ve enjoyed visitors looking for husbands, and whore girls who have been publicly humiliated. There’s been one too many ‘boy pee campfires’ to be comfortable and I do seem to have become rather a Mecca for Amanda Holden and Blazin’ Squad fans.
Oh, and if you’re the person looking for the Dalhousie Slut. She’s not here, you can shout and scream all you like, but you won’t find her.
This is not how I imagined it to be, I feel like Tony from Hollyoakes whose restaurant, Nosh, continues to struggle to find its intended, decidedly middle class niche, forever being riddled with the hugely beautiful vermin of Hollyoakes Tech. Tony ‘s just a poor righteous black man trying to make his way in a cruel hard world, no, hang on, that’s Spike Lee in Do The Right Thing (how eclectic am I?). But he should learn that he’s never going to win trying to drag a soap opera into mild, comfortable, stable, middle-classdom.
The gentrification of eateries is perennial theme of soap operas, there was the Dagmar in Eastenders, and the Italian restaurant the DiMarco’s ran. And, of course, the Queen Vic and Rovers Return are forever under threat from new managers upsetting the locals with modernisation programmes, which do tend to be ‘Y’know, theme nights n’that’.
My particular favourite was the posh French restaurant frequented by the Neighbours of Ramsey Street. I’m not sure you ever actually saw it, but Mike took Plain Jane Superbrain there when they finally got together, Scott took Charlene when she stopped clubbing him over the head with a wrench, then Mike took Charlene and Scott took Plain Jane Superbrain when they seamlessly exchanged partners in one episode. Then Scott broke up with Plain Jane Superbrain, and started going out with Charlene again, so they went out to celebrate. Then Plain Jane Superbrain took the bloke with the sticky out ears that she eventually married. The owners of Erinsborough’s finest French restaurant the salaciously expensive ‘Le Restaurant’ – must been loving it.
Mike only went out with Plain Jane Superbrain when she stopped being a geek. Which reeks of the same shallow materialism infesting today’s hit parade. Yeah, I’m talking to you Avril Lavigne you evil 17-year-old Canadian scumpoprock slag. According to her new single ‘Sk8r Boi’ there’s a girl who dumps her boyfriend because he was a, wait for it, Skater Boy (sorry, Sk8r Boi) because her friends thought he was a loser with his baggy jeans and skateboard. Years later that girl is up the duff with a child and sees the boy “Rocking on MTV”, then we find out in verse three that Avril herself has become Sk8t Boi’s girlfriend. Oh how that girl regrets her past now…
Right, get this Lavigne: -
1. Rocking on MTV” is not the sign of successful teenage rebellion Avril you devil puppet whore
2. This girl has a baby, and is struggling to make ends meet, and you’re gloating because the boy she loved and gave up because of teenage peer pressure has gone on to achieve success.
3. And, what’s more, YOU’RE THE SLUT WHOSE HANGING OF HIS ARM, LEACHING OFF HIS SUCCESS, SUCKING EVERY. LAST. OUNCE OF BLOOD YOU CAN GET OUT OF HIM - YUR GROUPIE HAG.
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