Thursday, June 19, 2003

The shocking truth

“Nothing shocks me”, said I, during a discussion about just how outrageous hen and stag dos can be. And it’s true, I’ve seen people taking drugs, drink until they’re unconscious and take their eyes out at the dinner table, but when it comes down to it, it’s never effected me. Partly because I haven’t partaken, and because as a spectator I’ve survived these escapades wholly intact, I’ve never found this sort of thing shocking.

So unshakeable me buys Mixmag this month and turns to the story about the couple from Bolton hooked on the legal drug GHB. Too much GHB sends you into a deep psychotic madness, this couple having become reliant on the drug entered into what is known as a stupidité au deux – a stupidity of two – a shared hallucinogenic experience. Now pay attention, this bit’s complicated. The woman started to believe that her body was missing, stolen by a witch and a clown. The man, having ‘seen’ the witch and the clown running around upstairs began to panic that his girlfriend’s body had been stolen. Paramedics were called, apparently they asked whether the two were on drugs, they left shortly after having not reached a conclusion either way. The bloke then went to see his kids leaving the woman alone. She panicked that a witch had stolen her body aided and abetted by a clown, and started to assume that her body was trapped, what for it, inside her body.

So her miniature body was trapped inside her normal body that wasn’t her body. The only answer was to get it out, and this she did by pulling out 13 teeth with a set of pliers. She nearly died from blood poisoning, he was up in court on a charge of torture, but having put these troubles behind them are now living happily together (apparently only taking a bit of wiz now and then, so that’s OK).

This story was supported by the story of the man who worked in a gym equipment factory. One night he decided to masturbate by pulling his willy on the running machine belt. Unfortunately his scrotum got caught and tore. That short sentence alone sends me into apoplexy. Embarrassed by his accident, his solution was to staple his scrotum back together again. It was only when it reached the size of a grapefruit did he think to go to the doctors to get it checked out.

These are the things that shock me.

My final true story is of a bloke decided to commit suicide. His rig involved a guillotine above his bed made from metal sheet fashioned into a blade and a paving slab. He took enough sleeping pills to ensure that he would lie down and stay in the same position whilst his decapitating machine did its business. He set a timer that would turn on an electric knife, which would begin to cut away at the rope that held up the blade. The thoughtful suicidee realised that once the knife went through the rope, it would continue going, potentially fusing, burning out or damaging the floor. So he shortened the cable of the knife so that when it went through the rope and onto the floor it would automatically pull the cable from the wall and turn off. Added to this, in order that his dad didn’t disturb him he set all this up with the door wedged closed. The blade was attached by a piece of rope to the wedge. When it dropped, the wedge was pulled away allowing his dad easy access to come in and clean up.

Punchline number 1: - The jury’s verdict: Genius

Punchline number 2: - If only he’d been able to make a career as world Mousetrap champion.

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